Bellsie

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Hi all, (I apologise now for the whole him/her thing, I haven't got my head round any of it at the moment)

I am hoping for some advice and support. I stumbled across this site after trying to digest everything about Gender dysphoria. Monday, last week, my husband revealed to me that the reason for his depression was because he felt he suffered from GD. At the time, I dealt with it remarkably calmly, even trying to put some humour into the situation. Once it had sunk in though, I've been finding it all rather hard to deal with. I am trying to understand it from his view, but I can't help but be weepy all the time, which angers him and hurts him more.

I have asked him about becoming a woman and he doesn't know if this is a stage he wants to go through. I think this maybe because of hurting those around him and the backlash more then anything. He says he's going to look into staying as a man for my sake and the children's sake, but I don't want him to be unhappy.

I want to support him regardless. I love him with all my heart and he is my soulmate. I know it's going to take me some time to come to turns with this all. When we got married, he told me he wanted a child with me (our children are from different partners, this is my second marriage, my first was violent), but now I can't see that being an option. I feel betrayed, almost as he led me along, especially as he knew the hardships I went through before we got together 4 years ago. I'm grieving a little for my husband, the baby we'll never have, the pain my children will possibly have to go through, yet I'm still here, desperately trying to hold it all together. I know that should that "time" come, I'm going to have to deal with a possible transition, in which I may have to take an indepth look at my own orientation, but I don't want to lose him. I married him with the intention of being with him until I die and the thought of losing him feels worst then the rest of the revelation. I love the person within.

My main concerns are that if he does decide to transition, where will I stand? He has told me often this week that he loves me and wants to be with me for eternity, but could the hormones make him no longer attracted to me? He has admitted to having a boyfriend when he was younger (nothing sexual) but that he felt uncomfortable with it. Part of me is willing to risk everything to be with him, yet I am worried that it might be all for nothing if in the end, he dumps me for someone else. I am willing to sacrifice everything for his happiness (Apart from sacrificing my marriage, at no time do I want to end my relationship with him.) and I know that I will be hurt many times over throughout this.

Am I being crazy in thinking that any of this could even work? I have an appointment with our doctor on Tuesday to get an insight into more of what has been going on, but I just want him to be happy, preferably whilst still with me!

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Bellsie

Hi - my name is Lizzy and I am one of the old gray mares here at age 64. I also was diagnosed as gender dysphoric - and it has been part of me my entire life. The difference here maybe between me and your husband is I have already transitioned, and I live as myself, now in New Orleans. I was married at the time of my diagnosis, and that was on November of 2008 - so a lot has happened. I want you to feel welcome here and I will gladly answer any questions you might have - if you would like to have someone who knows both sides of what is going on. It may seem strange to you but I work with a lot of spouses (a few are men who's wife transitioned to male) because - sigh... my current life partner is trans herself. So I have natal women (we use that term) who I work with, trying to make sense of all this.

Also - hopefully a few of the SOs here (another term we use - 'signifcant others).will come speak with you. You are of course very upset and you are probably not quite sure what is going on or what to expect.

We are here for you. - please know that?

Lizzy

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Hi, thanks Lizzy.

I think I'm worried that I'm kidding myself in all of this. I know, myself, deep within, that I am going to stand by him, no matter what. Think I'm mainly concerned that I'll be dropped like a hat once he's got what he's (possibly) always wanted, which is probably the biggest fear I have over all of this. I am very open-minded, which I believe has helped with this, but I know that there's a difference when it affects you directly.

I do see the humour in the fact that he was petrified to tell me because he thought I would ask him to leave/divorce and yet I'm the one petrified that he's going to leave me! One of the many things that attracted him to me, was his slightly feminine mentality (The softness/romance/crying at the soppy films). although I am 98% sure that he loves me (we went through a rough patch before we got married and he begged me not to ever leave him), there's always that 2% fear that after everything that we have gone through and will possibly face in the future, will be for nothing.. Well for me anyway. I have read that mtf's do better when they have a fantastic support system around them, but I don't want him to use me to get through all of this, just to drop me when he's feeling better at the end?

Sorry if I sound really selfish about all of this. I have seen what this is doing to him on a daily basis and I truely do want him to be happy with him/herself, yet from sites online which I've read, they've made me feel guilty for worrying about my own future.

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You are at a very, very difficult point right now. With many questions that will take time to answer.

First there are many marriages that do survive. Many here lost marriages but the statistics are that the divorce rate is about the same as for non trans. There do have to be renegotiations and changes but perhaps the reason that the divorce rate is so near the same is that people who were willing to work past anything are the ones who make it cis or trans. It is possible. Especially with your attitude.

Until or unless your husband starts HRT a baby is still possible and your child will have no worse life and not suffer socially or otherwise for having two mothers. The studies have proven over and over again that same sex partners do raise healthy adjusted children. Those studies are the basis of the trend to more and more allow adoption by same sex partners.

I transitioned in a very bigoted small town community in the heart of fundamentalism and neither my grown daughter or my 11 year old grandchild who share my home have suffered. So much of what we hear is just myth. Yes, problems can happen, but they are much more rare than you think and as a former child welfare social worker and someone with an early childhood degree I can promise you that your children will be much better off with 2 happy and mentally healthy parents than one who is depressed and inwardly miserable. The effects of that can't be hidden. Also the example of having the courage to do what is right for you and being true to yourself in spite of peer pressure is invaluable and indelible.

As far as orientation changing? No, that was wired into the brain before birth just as gender has now been proven to be. Even the AMA accepts that. But in trying to fit what we believed we must be we sometimes fool ourselves. Then when we transition we have to face ourselves-we come out of denial. Sometimes we realize our orientation is other than we wanted to believe. Sometimes we also have fantasies that are just part of the ideal really and not something we want to act upon. HRT won't change orientation at all. And some trans people are gay, lesbian, straight and bi. Just like the rest of the population. Gender and orientation is apples and oranges. Not tied at all.

My recommendation -and a strong one-is to set up an appointment with a gender therapist as soon as possible for both of you. The worry and fear and confusion take their toll. It is important that it be a gender therapist as well. Unfortunately therapists, even analysts, who are not familiar with gender issues can and often do misdiagnosis us because GID symptoms mimic those of disorders.Those misdiagnosis can lead to enormous frustration and even harm as we are being treated for an illness we don't have.

Another problem is that many therapists and analysts still see being trans as a mental condition and unless they have a reason to keep up with the gender field are not aware that the AMA, the American Psychiatric Association and the National Health organization now officially recognize that this is not a mental disorder but the result of a birth condition.

If someone trying to cure a person of a mental condition instead of helping them discover their true identity and what course they should pursue to live their life in a way that will be fulfilling to them, them it just isn't going to work.

You have a right to grieve and a feeling of betrayal is very normal though I hope in time you come to see that your husband was also in denial and doing her best to live as she thought she must. Not to betray anyone except herself. And because this is a physical condition ultimately that just becomes no longer possible anymore. Some leave it too late and the suicide rate among us is astronomical partly because of that.

Take hope. Some couple come through this closer than ever. I have seen it time after time here. But their voices are rarer because they tend to no longer need Laura's and to move on. Those who have suffered the worst losses tend to stay longer so are more common here in my observation

With love and understanding you will make it through this.

Welcome to Laura's. We'll be here for you and for your husband. I hope some of this helps

Johnny

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A few comments here that might help you:

My main concerns are that if he does decide to transition, where will I stand?

I had that issue with my previous spouse - my wife of 12 years. I wanted her to stay with me more than anything. But she finally could not handle the remarks and comments of everyone she knew. We lived in a small town where everyone knew each other, you see. It was not a very tolerant place, especially with all of her old time relatives. She turned vicious and literally had me removed from my own home by the Sheriff, claiming her life was in danger (a fabrication - probably set up by her sister). BUT I wanted us to grow old together. It was not meant to be.

I am a woman in body now, pretty much. She had a difficult time as the changes began. We worked with two therapists - one each - for a year. It seemed it might work as even our sexual relationship - modified - was very satisfactory to us both. BUT the more womanly (in body) I became, the more family and friends hated what we were becoming. Two married women living together.

So there is that.

But if you sincerely love you SO (rules here say I address this person in the feminine - hard for you to take that right now I know). If you really really really love her? It can work.

Your SO is GD - and has always been what she is in mind and soul. She just cannot abide living in a male body anymore. So the person you married is there - totally. It is just that suddenly, you know her deepest secret, her worst nightmare, what she has had to live with her entire life. Believe her when she says she wants you forever - she most certainly does. Right now she needs you more than anything in the world!

And its about 'gender' not sexual orientation. It will remain about gender. Yes, the hormones change us TS a bit Yes there is a 50-50 chance she will look at men differently. Yes you will worry - but know this? She loves you and is married to you. Does she cheat on you now with women? If not now, she will certainly never cheat on you with men OR women, later after transitioning. We marry as a commitment - end of story. Talk to her about that and trust in your feelings. I am betting she is like me - and loves the company of women - that is mainly YOU in her case. She will always want to please you. She loves what you are.

I have more - but you need time to digest things. So I will quit writing for now.

My heart goes out to you. She never ever wanted to make you feel betrayed. It is just very very complicated.

Lizzy

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Thanks to both of you, I do actually feel a little bit better.

To be honest, I consider myself to be 'strong' and personally I can deal with discriminatory remarks about myself. I just worry about the remarks about my husband and children! I'm currently studying to be a nurse, in which psychology is a big part of. Having studied "abnormal" psychology (it's only abnormal because society perceives it so) I understand that what my husband is going through is much more then a mental health issue. I am willing to do everything I can to help him with this and I am aware that I may lose family and friends over this decision also, much like s/he will. Being called a lesbian doesn't appall me and I have questioned myself wether or not I am bi-curious? However, I do feel that is because I'm trying to imagine making love to my husband as I imagine him to look as a woman! It's not just his body that turns me on - his mind is a wonderful thing!

I'm trying to give him his space on all of this and not constantly ask a thousand questions, but it's a scary place to be!

Bellsie x

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Honey, now is the time to ask those thousand questions.

Your SO is also wrestling with the fear you might leave. She is also trying to reconcile some things that are REALLY going to put you through some tough times, mainly that now she has come out to you, all her inhibitions are gone. She will want to progress at 100 mph (an Americanism - I don't know the kilometer conversion - grin) This is because all that has been bottled up for years and years. She may also be very very insecure with you for a while. The best advice? Tell her - 'baby steps' and that she need to keep things at a reasonable pace. You also may be disturbed by some of the things she wants to do - like nail polish and earrings and even absurd clothing. Explain to her, although she feels age 13 suddenly, she must learn to dress and act age appropriate, non flamboyant, and appropriate for the weather and the social situation. It's hard to do that I think, and don't let her ever accuse you of holding her back. Explain she has known about this condition her entire life, and you are just learning about it. ALWAYS tell her when it is going too fast for you, and explain you are not 'censoring or making conditions. Explain you have to do this together.

Finally? Think of the situation like this? It is a grand adventure, especially at first. She has never been around girlfriends and sisters, as a fellow girl. She can learn from you. You need to introduce her into the subtleties of womanhood, at the same time knowing she is a rare bird, that she also caries a lot of male experience with her. Unique hardly describes it adequately, does it?

Lizzy

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Funnily enough I've been painting her toenails, filing her fingernails and plaiting their hair for years - hindsight eh? I think it also helps me that when we first met at college over a decade ago, s/he used to wear makeup, so in a way I'm semi-prepared for it. Part of me wants to run upstairs and give him/her a makeover, the other wants to not encourage it.. does that make sense?

You have been such a help with this. I feel a whole lot better then what I did, much more clear-headed then previously. I think I'm going to have a few underlying fears for a while, but I guess that's natural. I know the trust thing needs a whole lot of work done because of the not knowing previously. I'd rather my SO be completely open with me from now and not hide anything, however upsetting it maybe for either of us.

I have suggested to my SO that we go to counselling together. Is it wrong of me to expect my SO to support me just as much as I am supporting them?

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Another thing? Sorry, I forgot this - very important. We male to female do not transition so "we can be female and have sex with men." We transition because we want our body to match what we have always been, are now, and always will be - we are female minded.

So your SO? What you have is not a person who wants men. She is a person who wants you. And it is not really 'sexuality' between you. Talk with her, and I suspect you will find out she just adores you, mentally - and spiritually - and intellectually and - yes - sexually because you make her feel loved..

That is just how we are. Human beings.

Lizzy

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One of the problems I have observed come up often is that after denying ourselves so long when we do turn and face this at last we can become very self-absorbed for awhile. We have to redefine ourselves and overcome so much denial and socialization that it becomes the focus of our lives sometimes. We don't love those in our lives less but we do tend to expect them to be dragged along on this journey without really realizing that we need to meet their needs too. I may not be putting that well or be fully conversant with why that happens but it too often does. Just at a time when you need the most support often we are not there for you because we are so focused on ourselves. That makes it very hard. Sometimes that very thing becomes the deal breaker.

I think the answer is to drop ideas of fair and unfair and reciprocal for awhile and focus on mutually communicating needs and work out a way to let your partner know that you need something without any recriminations or "It's my turn involved". If you are concentrating on staying in communication and staying as close as possible it tends to become less harmful for both of you. The thing about taking ownership of the problem can really be important. Using I statements rather than you statements when stating what you are feeling. "I feel betrayed" comes across totally differently psychologically than "You betrayed" me for example. With I statements people tend to want to help or make amends but with you they tend to get defensive. That intense introspection and self focus will pass eventually and your husband will turn to you more than ever.

As far as counseling? That's why I suggested a gender therapist. They are also licensed counselors -or should be. But they have the knowledge and experience to help people-and couples-through this very complicated and different maze. The gender therapist will sometimes recommend another therapist as well if necessary. If you go to a counselor who is not gender trained they may actually cause more harm than good by recommending things that are useless or counter productive in some cases. There have been numerous examples here of counselors outside the field who were even trans phobic and saw it as a curable mental illness even though no one has ever been cured of it by therapy.

It'll be a rough road. But one that will worth taking in the end when you love the person who has to travel it.

Lizzie has been giving you great advise too. One of the great things about Laura's is that people come from different experiences and perspectives which add up to better answers all around I think

We end up better and happier people. Much.

Johnny

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Bellsie first of I want to say it gives me hope to see your being supportive of her. You two are further along than I am, I have yet to get my backbone strong enough to try to talk this through with my wife. Hopefully I can convey my thoughts enough to maybe help some, a girl can hope at least. My wife was in a similar violent marriage and afterwards another guy..lets just say took severe advantage of her.. I could tell she was a very good person, but she was hurt. Maybe it was that infernal guy part of me that wanted to fix something, but I don't think so. I wanted to help her, and that is what drew me to her. I credit the part of me that I'm scared...no terrified... to tell her about is the part of me that I believe she fell in love with.. The patience it took to show her it was ok to love again, no offense to any guys out there if I am wrong, but I have yet to met any so called "normal" guys like that in my life time. I love my wife more than anything, and would do anything for her.

I wanted to have children, blame it on the nurturing instinct I guess. Honestly I wanted to be able to bear children, there is something magical knowing you can bring life into this world. I thought since I couldn't be the one to bear children, the next best thing was to at least have them with someone you loved. If your SO is anything like me, and you both decide to have a child, you will find no better spouse to share through the pregnancy. I relished every moment through all three pregnancies, all be it with a since of envy, heck I'm the one that gained most of the weight lol.

As for me, if I can EVER bring myself to tell her AND she is supportive... I will be with her till the day I die.. No doubts in my mind whatsoever..

I hope you can make some sense of my ramblings..

Love

Becca

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To answer? She has as much responsibility to support you, as you had when she asked for your support.

You must be in this together if it is going to work. Absolutely!

You are such a strong and caring person - oh my!

Lizzy

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Becca: The one thing that I seem to battle with the most is the feeling of betrayal, especially considering mine and my children's past hasn't been brilliant. It's been interesting to see your side of things, especially as I wonder what the truths behind our marriage was. Part of the reason why I love my SO so much is the "softer" side of him, but the thought lingers that part of them knew that they would cause me hurt later on and took advantage of my past. The hardest thing at the moment is that I want to behave like a married couple - slow dances, kisses, cuddles, intimacy etc. which at the moment feels like asking for a lot. Sometimes words just aren't enough. I read before that sex for women was much more than just pleasure. For me it's that only part of me that can be shared with the one I love, it's more about the emotions then anything. I think that's something else that's been so hard for me to give up at the moment.

I'm not perfect, all though yesterday was one of the better days we have had. I believe we actually laughed at one point! It was hard being turned down to slow dance at a wedding though. We've only been married for 7months, and I hate the fact that I feel bad for still being happy that we're married! In the end, we stayed for an hour, then left. Put a bit of a downer on the day. But i understand, the good will come with the bad and vice versa. When you do tell your wife, just be really patient and understand that she is going to be upset. I still woke up this morning crying - it's not something I can help, the brain registers things during the night against my control and sometimes I feel like I am mourning the loss of a man.

I'm trying very hard to make light of the situation. I am naturally an optimist, with a sense of humour, which I hope is why my SO fell in love with me in the first place. Laughter is the best medicine right?!

I believe that time is probably one of the best healers. I do worry about how our family will react and how the children will be affected - my SO took them on as her/his own - their own dad doesn't have much if any to do with them and they have had so much hardship to deal with already. I could have slapped my SO last night when he said it wouldn't be right to raise a baby under this.. we have three children between us already..

Thank you everyone for your support. This thread will probably become my rant/help/am I doing right? page as we go along - I know it's not something that happens overnight so I might be here for a while..

Bellsie xx

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Becca: The one thing that I seem to battle with the most is the feeling of betrayal, especially considering mine and my children's past hasn't been brilliant. It's been interesting to see your side of things, especially as I wonder what the truths behind our marriage was. Part of the reason why I love my SO so much is the "softer" side of him, but the thought lingers that part of them knew that they would cause me hurt later on and took advantage of my past. The hardest thing at the moment is that I want to behave like a married couple - slow dances, kisses, cuddles, intimacy etc. which at the moment feels like asking for a lot. Sometimes words just aren't enough. I read before that sex for women was much more than just pleasure. For me it's that only part of me that can be shared with the one I love, it's more about the emotions then anything. I think that's something else that's been so hard for me to give up at the moment.

Bellsie, I honestly wish I had the right words to make things better for you, I really do. I can totally understand your feelings of betrayal, this is something I should have been open and up front about. The hardest part, for me and I can only speak for me, was that I thought this was behind me. I never thought that it would resurface, I was living the "normal" life expected of me and found some contentment being a guy. I would have chosen for it to have stayed buried, the last thing I want is to put anymore grief or pain on my loved ones. When I met my wife, I never intended to take advantage of her or her past, all I saw was a very kind and strong woman who had been hurt very traumatically. I had only intended to be a good friend, to show her that all guys were NOT like those that did her harm. Best laid plans I know, but things eventually changed and I fell very much in love with her and her with me.

I've also read that about sex being different for a man and a woman, on the emotional level, again I can only speak from my perspective so please bear with me. I don't know if its due to my different mindset, or my upbringing, but sex for me was never about the physical aspect. It was a connection between two people on a deeper level than anything I had ever known. I've only ever been intimate with two people in my entire life, and I was married to both of them. I would like to hope though, that the intimacy could still be there through this (for my sake at least), because I would miss that connection something fierce.

I'm not perfect, all though yesterday was one of the better days we have had. I believe we actually laughed at one point! It was hard being turned down to slow dance at a wedding though. We've only been married for 7months, and I hate the fact that I feel bad for still being happy that we're married! In the end, we stayed for an hour, then left. Put a bit of a downer on the day. But i understand, the good will come with the bad and vice versa. When you do tell your wife, just be really patient and understand that she is going to be upset. I still woke up this morning crying - it's not something I can help, the brain registers things during the night against my control and sometimes I feel like I am mourning the loss of a man.

Sweety, none of us are perfect, I'm glad for your better day. Please don't feel bad for being happy, your SO is STILL the person you fell in love with correct? I guess I'm hoping more than asking, but its something I'm hoping for my own issues. Trust me I understand the crying, I've been doing my share of it too.. I'm going to have to change my pillowcase after my cry this morning. Twenty years of fighting off tears to appear manly I guess has given me a lot in reserve..

I'm trying very hard to make light of the situation. I am naturally an optimist, with a sense of humour, which I hope is why my SO fell in love with me in the first place. Laughter is the best medicine right?!

I believe that time is probably one of the best healers. I do worry about how our family will react and how the children will be affected - my SO took them on as her/his own - their own dad doesn't have much if any to do with them and they have had so much hardship to deal with already. I could have slapped my SO last night when he said it wouldn't be right to raise a baby under this.. we have three children between us already..

Thank you everyone for your support. This thread will probably become my rant/help/am I doing right? page as we go along - I know it's not something that happens overnight so I might be here for a while..

Bellsie xx

I too try to laugh when I am most upset, or get others laughing. Either way I can feel a bit better with any laughter around me. Maybe this will make you smile, Since this has resurfaced I'm still exterior guy, still at the I don't know what to do stage... Can you imagine a bit burly girl crying her eyes out? I imagine its quite a sight lol.

Bellsie you go ahead and rant away, we are all here to try to help, understand, and I for one will try to be there any way I can, and I know the others will be as well.

I sincerely hope you have another better day,

Hugs

Becca

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Hi Becca, thanks for replying. It's comforting to know that there is someone out there willing to listen and I am willing to return the offer at anytime :)

We've had a really good day today. By good day, I mean no obvious lowness from my SO and hardly any from myself. It still plays over in my mind but at least it's not completely at the forefront. All feels rather surreal if I'm honest.

I hope I didn't cause any offence with the whole 'betrayal' thing, it was just how I was feeling about the situation. It's refreshing to hear from you that you hope to remain with your wife, as that is what I want from my SO. I think I just need constant reassurance from him that everything will be ok (although I am aware it's not going to be an easy ride!), and because I know of my need, I am constantly telling my SO that I love her/him and giving her/him kisses, in the hope that s/he feels reassured how I feel. I'm just trying not to be too clingy!

I have a doctors appointment on Tuesday and I know that I won't be able to stop myself from asking the "is there any way" question. I understand my SO has been fighting this for so long and I know there is no pill that can change things to how I desire things to be. Sometimes confirmation from a doctor that there is only one route to follow for the best can help with the niggling thoughts.

Although I wish for my SO to remain physically how s/he is, I have seen how it's torn them apart and all I want is for my SO to feel better, which means that if s/he has to change, then I need to adapt. It's difficult to refer to my SO as female at the moment, mainly because physically my SO is still male and I've spent a long time referring to them as such. I will try and work on it, although on the forums although in RL with everything being a secret I'll have to wait for a while.

Again, thanks for your help. I don't quite know what place I would have been mentally without the help from yourself and others on this forum.

Big hugs

Bellsie xxx

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You are more than welcome Bellsie, I'm actually a pretty good listener... If I hadn't been I doubt my current marriage wouldn't be at 13 years and counting lol, even with not having to deal with my "issue". I promise you didn't offend me by the betrayal comment, I can totally understand where your coming from.. You have to remember, while technically a guy, my mind has been mostly female my whole life (or so I believe). I can probably relate to your thoughts and emotions better than you think.. I do know it has infuriated my wife, when I see thru her, as I lovingly joke with her, "woman" logic, and sometimes use it right back at her. I have always connected with women, and while I know my thought processes are not identical they are much closer than they are to being male.

I can honestly tell you I wish I didn't have to go through this, and I'm pretty sure most if not all of us feel the same.. It would be MUCH easier to be "normal". I know this is hard, but try and humor me a second, imagine you woke up tomorrow in an all male body, but your still you. All the confusion and everything you would be feeling at that moment...That's what we go through every day.

I hope I'm not to forward with my thoughts, I hope that trying to explain myself it might, just might, give you a bit of insight with your SO. I'm not sure how much you both have talked, and its really none of my business. I really, really hope you two can make this work, it would give me a lot of hope for myself. I guess the best I advise I can give you because it has worked for me (well not in this situation, but all the others) is for you both to be as open and honest with each other as humanly possible. Try, I know it wont be easy, to keep discussions civil, anger has only bred resentment (learned that in my 1st marriage) and as you know when your both hurt and angry things get said that can't be taken back. I wish you both the best.

Once I get to the point of talking I'll gladly hit you up, I'm still boo hooing on my introduction thread... Its really long winded and boring. so you don't have to bother .LOL

Sending all my love the internet will let me,

Becca

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Thanks Becca, sending you lots of hugs, if you are feeling anything that my SO felt at the time, then you all deserve a medal for when you do finally speaking up.

Thankfully my SO and I are more talkers rather than shouters and I've always thought we've had a good relationship communications wise.. To be honest, when he first started to tell me about things, I asked him to give me the first letter and the last letter - he gave me GA.. I thought he was trying to tell me he had gonorrhea!! We can laugh about it now and I'm pretty relieved that wasn't the case! I hope this makes you chuckle also!

I really hope that you have success with everything. It's not quite been a week, but I'm starting to get used to the idea of things. I did have a worry about our wedding photos and when/should my SO transitions. That day means so much to me and the thought of having to put them away because they're the "Old" days worries me a little. Suppose that's another bridge I'll have to cross when I come to it.

Part of me want's this to be sorted out overnight, another part of me wants everything to go slowly.. Just so I can make the most of what I currently still have in the Physical sense (and I don't mean purely sexual here). Should my SO go onto hormone treatments, I know that the process will be slow and I probably won't notice a huge difference seeing as I'm with him all the time (like when you see baby pictures then wonder when they grew to the age they are now!) but it's still a little scary for me!

Lots of hugs,

Bellsie xxx

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OH MY!!!! That is hilarious...Although it would be a lot quicker to explain <giggles> I can see me starting the conversation with my wife, Honey would you be happy if I told you I had gonorrhea?? No?? Ok I have gender dysphoria... That better? LOL

Thank you that made my evening.

Hugs

Becca

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Went to the drs. Now feel like I am back at stage 1 with the feelings, although I'm more angry with the situation. Having someone of authority confirm your fears is horrible.

She said we need to make compromises and that my partner needs to remember that this my life and marriage too.. I know what I want. It differs from my partners wants. How do I even find something to compromise on?

Blah!

Bellsie x

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With love and compassion it can be done. It will be hard and it will hurt. You may well go through all those infamous stages of grief-I have found knowing and recognizing them doesn't stop them but does help recognize that what I am feeling is normal and part of a process rather than a concrete reality. My losses have been to death or non trans issues but a loss is still a loss and you are feeling the loss of the relationship you had and the image of your partner that you had.

It sounds like you really love one another-that can make the difference. So hang on and know that it can be done. You can get through it and you won't always feel what you do right now. In fact while the fear and anger may be predominant, the love and commitment are still there as well.

I would also recommend setting aside a time now and then to just be a couple having a good time together when trans issues are off the table. A night out or dinner in your favorite place. Maybe together you can negotiate the terms for those days. One complication can be that once we start to transition going back to our old presentation can leach the enjoyment from any occasion. Maybe you can negotiate dress and stuff ahead of time so there are no discussions on your special day. Another thing is to pick a day now and then that is yours and you pick what is done-when your partner is expected to think of you and please you. And visa versa. With the actual trans issues are not a part of it.

My best wishes and thoughts are with you. I hope in the end you find your relationship is better than ever. In truth your partner is not happy now at the core-and can't be. But will one day make a better partner-as happy and fulfilled people always are. We become better people when this is resolved. We make better friends, lovers, parents and partners after we become true to ourselves.

Johnny

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Bellsie I'm so sorry, I can't begin to answer that question for you.. I hope you can somehow find some common ground between you two. If you want to talk, or shout, or anything feel free to PM ok. I will try and help out any way I can.. If I can get the conversation with my wife over with this next week, maybe I can send her your way and you two can fuss about me and your SO.. That is if she will still talk to me...

Just want you to know I'm here for you if you need.

Hugs

Becca

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