My Story A Transsexual Biography

by Holly

My first memory is that of a star field. I was born into a family of 7 other kids with me being the youngest. I had 3 brothers and 4 sisters. None of which are gay, or like me in the wrong sex's body. I have only one gay uncle that I know of. So my family really consisted of 3 boys 4 girls and a boy/girl (me).

At about 3 and a half years old I am told by my sisters that I bagged them to dress me up and they did and took a picture. I am not sure when I started to sneak in my sisters room and dressing up but it was more than likely around 12 or 13 years old. I had no idea why I was wanting to dress in female clothes.

I was shy as a child and in school I didn't like getting dressed for gym with the other boys and looking back I think it was because I was female inside. Some where in my teens I started to realize I wanted nothing more than to be a girl and I would pray to God that I would wake up transformed into a girl. I did not tell anyone because I was too scared. I remember thinking that I would be put in some mental hospital some where.

By my late teens it became very strong within me and I finally got brave enough to start buying clothes and sneaking them into the house. At age 21 I had my first date with a girl as I was only attracted to females but at the same time I wanted to be a girl. I now believe if I had of been born female that I would have been Gay. I have no attraction at all to men and in fact I think most of them are too macho, and feel that way to this day. Anyway my first romance lasted 3 months but was not meant to be.

After that I got into Trucking and still do that to this day. At about 22 years old I sent a letter to my family telling them about me. It was not all that well received. I can to this day only talk to my oldest sister about this as the others don't want to hear about it. At around age 22 I also got a female doctor and told her about me. She had me tested for a couple of things to see if there was any physical reason for this but there was not. All I knew was that I was female inside and it was a very powerful feeling. My doctor referred me to a clinic in Toronto that specialized in gender identity and sex change.

For what ever reason I didn't go. At age 32 I had a new female doctor and I stopped trucking as I was burnt out and depressed. I looked back on things and I had been depressed all my life and I think the core reason was that I was simply in the wrong body and from an early ago my soul knew it even though I didn't. I believe we come back to this earth time and time again and this time I came back as a male and I was not happy about. I to this day only dress up in private and I love being feminine. I knew there was others like me but had no idea how many people there were like me but I was happy to learn I was not the only one.

In February or March I found Laura's Playground and started to find answers to some of my questions. I didn't know how to define myself so I looked up Transsexual in the dictionary and it defines transsexual as a person who is predisposed to identify with the opposite sex or one has undergone surgery and hormone treatment, to effect a change of sex. Well I identify with the opposite sex, so that is why I say I am a transsexual cross dresser. I will not go through a sex change in this life but I know I will come back the next time as a female. I made the decision that if I couldn't be a natural female that I would not try to alter this body and I am at peace with that decision.

The best thing that could have happened to me was finding Laura's site because after I was there for a while I know I had made the right decision for me. Oh yes I will continue to cross dress as I feel the need. I have the best of both worlds , male and female. The only thing I wish is that we lived in a world that would not care if we went out dressed up. I believe we all have a path to follow in life and I guess I was meant to be a male (physically) in this life. Now that I have come to except this I have an inner peace That I have never felt before.

If I find a life mate I will not hide this from her and in fact she must be excepting of this or she will not be the right one for me and I will not settle for any less. I now dance to my own tune and I am happy with that.

Well this is a glimpse into my life and I hope "MY Story"
will help someone else out there that is lost and alone,
trying to find their way as I was.
Steve AKA Holly

PS Good luck with what ever way you decide is right for you.


Editors Note:

Holly is a chat room moderator on Laura's Playground. She also is the author of Holly's Transgendered Thought for the day