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TransTerrific ADVICE Issue #9 December 8, 2004 Share this RSS Link on your Site

Send your Transfolk questions to Miss Laura

Welcome to Miss Laura's TransTerrific Advice Column

Featured Dilemma:
My Wife Caught me crossdressing

Laura's column is now open to all Transgendered Subjects

Dear Miss Laura,

I've been Crossdressing on and off since I was a child. I've binged and purged dozens of times. I've tried to stop dozens of times, but I always return to it.

I'm married to a wonderful woman who loves me dearly. I never told my wife about my crossdressing because I felt she wouldn't love me anymore and would leave me.

The other day she caught me dressed en-femme. She hasn't talked to me since. I'm devastated and depressed. I'm terrified I'll loose her. My worst fear seems to be coming true. What should I do?

Losing It


Dear Loosing It,

First, don't panic. This problem is solvable, despite how it seems now. Eventually this happens to all Transfolk sooner or later.

You are extremely vulnerable right now and you are not in a position of strength. Your secret has been found out so your wife obviously has the upper hand.

Bear in mind that your wife is upset that you never told her about this. She feels deceived and betrayed. If you have children she is terrified that they will find out. That's where she is coming from. She may also think you are gay and that somehow she is not satisfying your needs. She may even feel inadequate as a wife and a woman. You are going to have to reassure her about these issues.

Somehow you have to get back on equal footing with your wife. Explain to her that you love her and that she is woman enough for you. Tell her that you are not gay and are not treating her as a lesbian. You are totally male when not dressed. This issue has been with you since childhood and you thought you had things under control. Explain that this is merely a side of you and that you don't want to be a woman, just express that side of you. Above all don't feel guilty. This is not your fault. You've had this since childhood.

Now its time to compromise. Don't ask for too much at once. Tell her that you need some private time to dress and express yourself. Try for an hour or two at a time at first. You'll both have to set some rules. She may not want you touching her clothes. Tell her you'll need to get some of your own things.

Don't expect her to join in with your crossdressing or go shopping with you. Use catalogues at first to buy what you need. If you find that you need to go out dressed join a Transgendered Club. Most major cities have one.

If you're still having problems try and find a gender Psychologist or one who at least understands Crossdressing. After a few sessions suggest Marriage Counseling.

Read what you can on the Internet about crossdressing. Join a forum and ask questions. Join a Transgendered Chat Room where you can express yourself.

The good news is that most Crossdressers stay married but compromise is essential and remember to stay on equal footing with your spouse. This is one of your needs and it makes you feel better.

The best of luck to you.




























Miss Laura is not a Mental Health Professional. Advice is given from years of experience as a Transsexual. If you have a problem with gender or other mental health issues you should see a Gender or Mental Health Professional.




















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