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TransTerrific ADVICE Issue #12 January 26th, 2005 Share this RSS Link on your Site

Send your Transfolk questions to Miss Laura

Welcome to Miss Laura's TransTerrific Advice Column

Featured Dilemma:
Dating Female to male

Laura's column is now open to all Transgendered Subjects

Dear Miss Laura,

I am a woman dating a Female to Male Transsexual. I knew about his being FTM before I dated him and there are only a few selected individuals that know that he is, so I have only him to talk to about it. And there are some things I just can't talk to him about.

Like sometimes I wonder since
TECHNICALLY he is a female as of right now- does that mean I'm a lesbian? I mean I don't really see him as a she any more..but we do keep our realationship a secret because noone knows he is what he is yet...and is it normal for me to sometimes wonder what I am giving up?

I love my boyfriend more than I can possibly imagine (we even plan on getting married at 24) but I still have that ache to be able to carry his child, though I never will, is it normal for me to wonder about these things or am I just being selfish? I'm sorry for bugging you, I'm in just desperate need to talk to someone about this besides just him. Thanks for your time but ...

What am I?


Dear What am I?

MTF partners have a lot of the same concerns you do about what their roles are and what to label it. Transition is the time that blurs gender lines the
most. This is because there are actually three transitions going on. There is the emotional transition the pysical transition and the mental one. Don't forget that the time between stages is when gender blurs until transition is completed. What he is does not affect what you are.

The ftm is and has always been a man in mind and spirit but not in body. Usually its the inner person that attracts a partner. After transition if the FTM is still attracted to women they are considered hetrosexual.

So it depends on what stage your partner is right now, what label you could put on your relationship. Your best bet is not to put a label on your relationship until changes are completed and the gender blur becomes more clear.

Is your boyfriend out now as a man? If not, is this possible to achieve? College is sometimes a tough place to transition , though its been done. You'll need a tough skin though. You're not being selfish. Its your life too and you have a right to be concerned about how things will effect you. Many female partners of FTM's consider artificial insemination as a means to
become parents.

It sounds like you two have a very supportive love for each other so remember its the person you love not just the man or woman. In time he will become a man and everything should come together for the two of you.

So keep your goal in mind and I have no doubts that you two will be alright together. Remember, love conquers all.

Laura Amato



























Miss Laura is not a Mental Health Professional. Advice is given from years of experience as a Transsexual. If you have a problem with gender or other mental health issues you should see a Gender or Mental Health Professional.