Katherine
is a moderator for Laura's PLayground. She was born XXY
was operated on and converted to male and brought up that
way. No one asked Katherine. She is Intersexxed. This was
back in the days of Nature vs nurture when upbringing was
thought to fix everything. As it turns out, the doctors
were wrong. She now lives as a female. Until recently her
tragedy was repeated on thousands of intersexxed babies.
They have finally discovered that Nature wins the battle.
Yet what about the mistakes they made? In her own words
Katherine recounts her Tragic story.
I
grew up a happy boy at least until ten or so. But things were
never exactly normal. Though I had no idea they were out of
the ordinary for boy's behavior. As I grew I began to notice
things, one my father was increasingly frustrated with me. I
knew I was somehow not meeting his expectations of what I should
be. Second when I went to play with the other children in the
family I was nervously watched by their mothers. It did not
matter if it were boys or girls I was watched. When I was with
my girl cousins it was if I might hurt them and when I played
with the boys it was if I would get hurt or something else.
If the play got to the point where I was being held by the boys
I would always be called into the house to do some stupid thing
and while I was never called in when I was with the girls I
knew I was being watched. Trouble is I liked playing with the
girls I love my cousins doll house and asked repeatedly for
one like it every Christmas.
My life was a series of mixed signals about my gender. Yes I
was a boy; I knew that because I had that thing I peed with
dangling between my legs. But everything else said I was a girl
I had wide hips and soft skin and try as I may could not develop
any muscle tone. I had complained about the scratchy cotton
of boy's underwear and I had the rashes to prove it and mother
changed me over night as it were to girls nylon panties and
tops on the grounds that they would be better on my delicate
skin. The problem with my tops was they had no sleeves and some
tops my aunt gave me looked more like slips, never the less
they were basic white and as unadorned as a post but they made
me feel better. They had one drawback I had to pee sitting down.
At home it was not a problem at school it was.
As I got older things began to get worse, I was not developing
as I should still skinny and my penis was still tiny like that
of a child's. This part I kept entirely to my self out of fear.
Yet it was a time when I should be noticing girls but I felt
nothing for either sex. So it was a complete surprise when Johnny
one of my cousins kissed me on the mouth. Up till that time
he had been holding my hand something I did not even think was
odd, then the kiss. I was shocked the first instant and I stiffened
but then something inside of me said this is the way it should
be dummy and I relaxed and let him continue. Another half second
Aunt Helen his mother rushed out and literally tore us apart.
She marched me into the parlor and closed the door. I heard
her shouting at my mother she called me an abomination and devil
spawn and mother's punishment I was born that way my aunt screamed
and ill always be an abomination. The door flew open and mother
with tears streaming down took me home in a cab. I was never
asked to come back to Aunt Helen's because somehow I did something
wrong. And also I was not allowed to come to aunt charlottes
anymore and play with her kids. I kept asking why and my mother
always put me off. Finally to get me away from all the rising
hate and prejudice of the family mother decided to have me visit
my aunt Pat's and her girls for the summer. My aunt Pat thought
the kissing insident was hysterical. Then she said something
ill always remember like it happened yesterday. Aunt Pat stopped
laughing turned to me and asked "did you like it".
I turned a bright red and froze yes I had liked it. The kiss
appealed to me something terribly naughty and yet terribly exciting
even thinking about it my nipples got hard as a rock. Aunt Pat
smiled a wolfish grin and got out a document and handed it to
me it was a copy of my birth certificate. But this one was different;
the one in my home had been dated 18 months after I was born.
This copy was dated a few days after my birth. It said my name
was Katherine and I was a girl. I sat staring at the document.
Was this a joke? I was a boy, wasn't I? Aunt Pat explained to
me that I was born with both gender parts and even though I
had more female parts than male I did have a viable testis and
well being a male was better than a female's life. I could not
believe what she was telling me they actually ripped out all
my female parts which were also functioning in favor of this
one testis.
At first I was shocked and thought this never really happens
to real people. There has to be another explanation. Then as
the facts sank in it explained so much of my life, there were
the mysterious scars down there my mother told me happened when
I was born and then all the things in my life began to make
sense. But why did they have to do that to me WHY ME! At 15
my whole world was devastated. The most basic question and the
first question any one asks of a new born is not is it healthy
or how big is it but is it a girl or boy once that is settled
everything else is secondary in this world. I burst into tears.
I had been so unhappy trying to be a boy so ashamed that my
body was developing wide hips and then the nipples were now
so sensitive and dark the latest was the mounds of flesh I could
not bring myself to call them boobs. When my father saw them
he hit the ceiling and then to punctuate his disappointment
he hit me. Then he made me lift weights but I could not lift
more than the smallest weight no matter how long I spent on
them my mounds got bigger and my muscles seem to get smaller
finally I stopped lifting weights convinced the weights were
making it worse.
When ever I had a beating I would go to my aunt's in tears.
One day, after a bad beating, I arrived on her door step black
and blue and in a half dressed tattered condition Aunt Pat said
after you clean your self up why don't you wear one of Diane's
dresses for now and see how it feels you would look very nice
in it. It was not the first time I put on a dress but this time
aunt Pat asked me to wear one. From then on I wore a dress when
I came to Aunt Pat's and played with her daughters in girls
clothes but this was not what my father wanted. I was soon taken
to our doctor and more tests were run. They found out my male
hormone level was just below average. They decided I should
start taking testosterone and some steroids. They did not tell
me of course what they planed to do but I was old enough to
get the just of what was going to happen to me. So when the
doctor came into the room with a tray and a shot on it I grabbed
pair of scissors and told him if he stuck that needle in me
I was surly going to stick the scissors into his neck. He was
taken back as rage about my life and what they did to me over
flowed in me. I reminded the doctor just who was his patient
and he changed his mind about the shot. But father was not happy
he took me home and beat me so bad I had to be taken to the
hospital. We went to several doctors looking for some one to
say they had a plan to make me a strapping boy like my brother.
Finally he found someone to test weather I was actually a boy
or girl but much to his anger my DNA proved I was XXY, dad acted
like I had betrayed him and I was in a woman's plot to embarrass
him he glared at mom and my self. But as the doctor said even
if they had given me the testosterone it might not have worked
as well as they liked for you have to have the needed receptors
to make use of it and apparently I did not. The doctor suggested
estrogen hormones instead. True my body would become female
but the process would be much easer than it would be male. Father
was not buying any of this and took me home and beat me again.
If I thought my life was low I was wrong for the catholic school
where I went had for 20 years a dirty little secret, the coach
was a child molester and I was perfect for him. After school
I would have to come to him and let him do things to me or he
would let the guys tease me and hit me with wet towels in the
shower. If I did what he wanted I could shower in the girls
shower room alone away from the guys stinging wet towels and
they would not tease me in school. My parents pretended nothing
was wrong even after I took my mothers whole bottle of codeine
and was rushed to the hospital, they pretended it was all a
mistake. But I think mom was beginning to understand for she
had me dress in a beautiful party dress for my 16th birthday.
She gave me one big order and that was never get or be undressed
in front of a male ever again not even my father. It was the
same order I learned that grandma gave her when she was growing
up and I began to understand why. My body was getting soft and
my hips were getting wide, this was not the way males were supposed
to grow up but then just what was I anyway. How could I tell
her of the coach at school I was beginning to think I really
was an abomination and a curse to my mom. I wanted to die I
didn't want to have this pain or hurt anyone else again. I daily
thought of ways I could end it all. However even in the darkest
night the morning will break and the clouds were beginning to
part when they caught the coach and put him in jail and children's
hospital called they were starting a new program which dwelt
with the intersexed. They had kept records and I was one of
the children they had done so long ago and was not functioning
in my assigned sex. Actually of none the babies they chouse
to "normalize" had not worked out and they were quite
disturbed by that fact. They interviewed my mother and my father
and my aunts and me finally they let me in the program. From
there it was a rapid course to hormones and living as a female
in a group home then the operation and finally saying goodbye
to all those girls I had grown so close to. I began to live
as a female, one who had terrible birth defects but now I was
on the right track.
I was unprepared for collage as a female, and I had a hard time
mostly do to the dating game. Still my orientation of sexual
mate was changing though I was never attracted to women I was
now beginning to like men in my life. Never at first sexually,
of course just the need to be flattered and wanted by them and
my liking to caterer to them. With a little help and my collage
credits I became a registered nurse.
I still have my rage against the doctor who thought he knew
better than god what I should be. This practice should be stopped
it is an outrage and yet they let it go on. The pain it caused
me cannot be measured. If I had been born with a withered arm
it would have been tragic but it would have been accepted. Yet
when someone is born with gender problems they are treated as
freaks and worse, I never understood this and never will.
