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No End Date To Dysphoria I Think

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People often say "If I just get surgery, the GD will be gone."  Sorry folks, but that is a whole bunch of pig manure.  My signature line below has my GCS date on it for all to check out, and you would think the date is far enough in the past that GD was impossible.

Last Friday I was getting ready to do my make-up for my Trans Chorus show and I got clobbered by my GD.  I was going to use a theater grade of foundation and other items that I have not used in a while, because I hardly use any make-up these days.  To use this stuff and to put on a pink wig that I was going to use in the production, I pulled my own hair up off my face and clipped it back to make putting the wig on easier and get hair out of my face to do a clean job with the moisturizer, primer and foundation.  As I looked in the mirror I was shocked to be looking at HIM from years ago during his CD / Drag days when HE was making up to go "over the top".  I honestly did not see myself there and it made me scared and angry. 

I was doing my own make-up because I do know how, and have taken lessons from theater / film make-up artists, and knew that our Make-up folks at the show site would be super busy with a bunch of the newer folks who would be on a show stage for their first time.  Seeing my old self in the mirror was a jolt to be sure.  I saw HIM making up to pretend to be a female in the dark clubs HE used to go to, and not me getting ready for a very nice show as me in a costume for a part as a woman / out Trans* woman.  I really thought I was beyond the GD times, but seeing my old self again who was really pretending was hard.  All  I can say now is WOW, did you get the license plate of the truck that hit me?  GD is a buzzard!!

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Perhaps we never fully shake that old person out of our lives.  For the most part i have found the peace to not resent that part of my life.  Even so, when he jumps back i do feel a hurt that has, for the most part, left my daily life.  As a bald person, who shaves the few remaining hairs on my head,  i'm often confronted by him.  I guess i'm simply getting to accept that he'll always be with me.





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Hhmmm....Well, certainly the possibility continuation of some GD/GID post-GRS/SRS is a given for many, if not a lot.  Fortunately, for myself, once I came out from under the knife, it was all over.  I am unaware of any recurrence of GD/GID in my life since surgery.  Nor do I regret any of my past, with respect to gender identity stuff.  No regrets over the past that I left behind;  I can get maudlin over a lot of things that happened or did not happen, but my male self experienced a lot of good times.

Not of course that everything post-op has been heaven and angel-food cake.  Gender identity is a part, not the parcel of life.  Lots of things from my past, I regret very much.  Lots of baggage follows me at my age, but I can honestly state that the only regrettable thing about my male-past is the GD/GID that was associated with it.  During those times when the chronic-to-acute GD/GID was in temporary remission....Well, suffice to say again, I had a lot of good times between the bad.


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I think a lot of us have those days, Vicky.  Hang in there.

Carolyn Marie

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I wish it would be gone for you and everyone who wishes it Vicky but I cannot see it happening. We all get flashbacks to a previous time, but I suppose it really hits harder when we have made a substantial change to ourselves. My view is to live in harmony with my past, as rejecting it is not dissimilar to the hiding in early stages of transition. but as my change is not so great it is probably easier.

The mind can play tricks with us but you can control it :)



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