Life in the closet

6 posts in this topic

So someone else recently posted a general life update here and I thought I would too... There's a Bunche of little things I want to share that don't really fit in one topic.

I finally told the first person, my sister, and she is absolutely cool with it. However, I feel really awkward talking about it with her, and it feels strange for her to call me Nathan/he... Is this just because I've known her my whole life calling me my birth name/she or could it mean I'm not really trans?

I'm going shopping today for a whole new wardrobe. I already have a binder but I own few 'male' clothes. We're going together and I'm concerned about how awkward it's going to me. I think I may possibly be concerned that she'll see it as a novelty or something exiting when I just want to be normal... 

I reall wish I could just press a button and wake up in a male body having been assigned male at birth...

One more thing is my main cause of dysphoria is my height which I know will nevertheless change. I'm 5'4" which is considered strangely short for a man. I know a lot of people aren't that shallow but my friends already call me 'midget' as a female and the other day they were showing off how much taller they were than an ftm trans friend of theirs. There are also a lot of cis people at my school who make the "did you just assume my gender?!" jokes All The Time. I would just assume they thought they were being funny but I thought I heard one of them use the t word the other day...

I guess I'm just confused and panicked about everything in life now. I'm scared I'm making this up, I'm scared I'll regret it, I scared it's just a phase, I'm scared everyone at college will laugh at me... And I know that if my parents say to me that I'm being stupid and I'm making it up and it's a phase then I'll just agree with them and hate myself so much more.

It's funny that I still think I'm making it up, when right now I want nothing more than to be cis...

Sometimes it feels like I'll never be able to be Nathan in the real world and I don't think I can handle that, but the idea of telling anyone right now terrifies me.

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Hi Nathan,

I know well the fear you have that you may never be able to be yourself in the world.  There are a lot of scary things outside of that closet. A number of them you've mentioned, being laughed at, not being accepted, being told we're confused and going through a phase. Those are fears we all know here.


Those fears dominated me when I first accepted that I was trans. They kept me hiding out in the closet. Then I found Laura's. I started interacting with other trans people who were on the journey we are on. I read posts about what they were doing, about their fears and how they were overcoming them. It gave me the courage to do just a little bit, and then a little bit more, and then a little more yet. Baby steps we call them. 

If someone had told me on that first day that I had accepted my being trans, how far out of my closet I would be at this time, I would have thought them crazy. It seemed absolutely impossible. But it happened. Every step is terrifying, yet the rewards are so much greater than the terror experienced. 

Take your time and take baby steps. One day you'll remember your closet and you'll look around for it, and you'll discover it's a long way behind you. Good luck on your journey!


Lots of love,

Timber Wolf🐾

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Hey Nathan, :) 

it's cool that you've been able to come out to your sister and that she was accepting. I've heard that getting used to people calling you your preferred name can take a little time (because you've been called something else your whole life). The whole awkwardness of talking about it, getting addressed how you want and your sisters understanding of the shopping trip etc. will hopefully/probably go away with time, as you get used to talking about this and your sister starts to see you as who you are fully and understand transgender stuff stronger (if that novelty idea even occurs, which it may not).

So glad for you that your going to get more clothes that express YOU though! Hopefully it won't be too awkward. It could be quite reassuring and helpful going with your sister. Tell us how it goes and what you get? (plus any tips of what looks good. ;) I need more clothes too. hehe).

There are those shoes that look normal but make you taller. ;P ..but otherwise height is just something that needs to be accepted unfortunately. :( 

Ugh! People in my maths class do that "assume gender" thing too. I hope they aren't transphobic but i really cant tell. hopefully that joke will fade away... :/  

Just take things slow if you're scared. There's no reason you need to rush round and do permanent changes and tell people before you're ready. There's plenty of time. Go at your own pace and explore.
I made a post recently called "Denial or Reality?" in which I question myself etc. but from the responses everyone gave it seems like everyone questions themselves and it doesnt necessarily go away (though it may become less?) but that's okay, it doesn't mean you aren't trans and you just do what you think will work for you, at your own pace. :)

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I think we all wish we had that little magic button.

Don't worry so much about the name thing. It takes a little time to get used hearing it from other people. I also know plenty of people that eventually changed their names after awhile because they found it just wasn't clicking like they wanted.

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Thank you so much for the replies.

I tried to tell my mum tonight and it didn't go well. She definitely didn't believe me and she has basically just ignored it. She said "I know you want to dress like a boy" and "I gave birth to a daughter" and "[gender] utterl defines who you are" and used 'she' and 'her' more than you'd think possible in one sentence. She still loves me, and hasn't been angry or aggressive which I know I should be thankful for but she just seems so sad and disappointed that I can't deal. She was also looking at her phone the entire time like she couldn't even look me in the eye.

How much longer will it have to be like this? I know it's hard for her but it seems like she's not even trying...

I've only been here a short time but everyone here has been so lovely and so kind to me and it's help keep me going. I guess I just really need some friends right now... 

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I don't want to sugar coat it. It could be a long time.  She is in denial and that's why you see her as not trying.  It may take until you leave and strike out on your own.  Some parents come around and some never do.  You say she loves you and I'm sure that's true.  But she loves the you she knows and sees, not the one you do.  I say give it time.  A lot can change.  Keep going strong!


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