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Joshua

not doing well

17 posts in this topic

Tonight is a very hard night for some reason. Nothing specific happened but I am suicidal. I just don't see the point in living anymore. I still have 4 days until my next therapy session. I don't call suicide hotlines because calling places just makes my anxiety worse. Yes, I do know about the chat. I have been on there since 2011 and am a light blue mod. I'm giving these forums a try which is why I have posted here.

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Hi, Joshua, its nice to meet you, although I wish it was under better circumstances.

I'm sorry you're feeling so low.  I would tend to think there was a trigger of some kind to get you so down.  Perhaps that is the key to figuring out how to fight the urges and get yourself back on track.

It's not always easy to find the reasons to carry on, especially in the face of daily struggles.  Sometimes its just putting one foot forward and taking a step in almost any direction.  it still equates to progress, even if slow.

There are so many beautiful things to experience in life.  I hope that if you think of some of those things, and think of yourself participating in them, it will help shake your mood and brighten your outlook.  The world is much more  than what we go through every day.  It is worth keeping the struggle going, as hard as it may seem sometimes.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

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The way I do things is to keep busy. It is not always easy (in fact sometimes almost impossible) to get motivated, but I have found vigorous exercise between making breakfast and eating it really helps my mood and also my health

Tracy

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Hi Joshua,

I like to keep myself busy at such times. Setting short term goals and accomplishing them can help to get your life moving in the right direction. And always remember we're hear for you and we care.

 

Lots of love and a big hug,

Timber Wolf🐾

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Hello Joshua,

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling so down and out. Would you answer a few questions for us?  What would you like to see in order to have an ideal life or even a better life? What is preventing you from moving toward those goals?  Is there anything in your life that you enjoy doing?  A hobby for example.  Do you have any real life friends that you could talk to? Just talking out your troubles can be very therapeutic.

 Is Stu aware that you're having suicidal thoughts? Even though you're a chat nod, there's no shame in talking to other mods of your troubles. Actually, that why we're all here. To provide help and support to those who have lost hope and feel that ending it all is their only recourse.  It doesn't have to be that way. We're a family here and we'll do our best to help our fellow brothers and sisters when they are troubled. There can be better times ahead but you've got to be here to have it happen.  There can be a light at the end of the tunnel. Stay with us and we'll do our best to help you find it.

MaryEllen

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7 hours ago, MaryEllen said:

Hello Joshua,

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling so down and out. Would you answer a few questions for us?  What would you like to see in order to have an ideal life or even a better life? What is preventing you from moving toward those goals?  Is there anything in your life that you enjoy doing?  A hobby for example.  Do you have any real life friends that you could talk to? Just talking out your troubles can be very therapeutic.

 Is Stu aware that you're having suicidal thoughts? Even though you're a chat nod, there's no shame in talking to other mods of your troubles. Actually, that why we're all here. To provide help and support to those who have lost hope and feel that ending it all is their only recourse.  It doesn't have to be that way. We're a family here and we'll do our best to help our fellow brothers and sisters when they are troubled. There can be better times ahead but you've got to be here to have it happen.  There can be a light at the end of the tunnel. Stay with us and we'll do our best to help you find it.

MaryEllen

I'd just like to be happy. I don't see that happening. Depression is what is preventing me from becoming happy. I don't enjoy doing anything anymore. I don't really have friends, more so acquaintances but I do talk to some people. I also have my therapist. Stu is aware of my thoughts. He gives me some coping strategies like last night he had me listen to music with headphones in and mouth the words to get the whispering voice to shut up. 

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What would it take for you to be happy? Is your family, job, etc, holding you back?  Have you seen a doctor about your depression? Perhaps he could prescribe medication that would help. What ever you do, don't give up. You can reach your goals but you've got to work at it. Just sitting idle and brooding over your troubles is the worst thing you could do. You've got to force yourself to do things that will take you on the path to happiness. You can do this. I know that you can.

MaryEllen

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Hello Joshua, I'm sorry you are having a hard time but as others have alluded to it doesn't have to be this way.  Think of the people that you care for; Stu, he obviously cares for you.  The other Mods at the Chat Room; you're there for each other and your members.  Being happy is a very human desire, dare I say "need".  You can be happy.  I understand life isn't always a bowl of cherries but as you know there are bits that certainly make it good.  Look for them, they are there for you.  If you have the opportunity, get out of the house and take a walk with Stu.  A new perspective can do wonders for a down day.  We're here for you.

Jani 

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Hey Joshua, I think there are a couple support groups near you that might help with your goal of being happy.  Have you looked into either of these?  

Upper Valley Rainbow Connection 
https://www.facebook.com/uvrainbowconnection/
LGBTQI social group

Upper Valley Gender Support Group
Meets every other Wednesday
White River Junction, VT
Email
 

Jani

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3 hours ago, MaryEllen said:

What would it take for you to be happy? Is your family, job, etc, holding you back?  Have you seen a doctor about your depression? Perhaps he could prescribe medication that would help. What ever you do, don't give up. You can reach your goals but you've got to work at it. Just sitting idle and brooding over your troubles is the worst thing you could do. You've got to force yourself to do things that will take you on the path to happiness. You can do this. I know that you can.

MaryEllen

My medical issues hold me back a lot. I'm not working currently because of chronic migraine. I have a job but I'm on medical leave. I don't have friends because I keep having to cancel plans when I get a migraine which is almost every day. My doctor knows I am depressed. I am on medication. I also have my therapist. I go to my grandparent's house once a week to play games and help them with stuff around the house as a distraction from my depressive thoughts but the distraction only lasts about half hour before the thoughts come back.

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1 hour ago, Jani423 said:

Hey Joshua, I think there are a couple support groups near you that might help with your goal of being happy.  Have you looked into either of these?  

Upper Valley Rainbow Connection 
https://www.facebook.com/uvrainbowconnection/
LGBTQI social group

Upper Valley Gender Support Group
Meets every other Wednesday
White River Junction, VT
Email
 

Jani

I've heard of them. There is supposedly a group starting up that is closer to me than those ones are. I'm waiting to see what happens with that.

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1 hour ago, MaryEllen said:

I've been working on getting them under control since 2015. I see a neurologist and do botox injections every 3 months. I also have medication to take when I get one. I also use support groups on Facebook and an app to track my migraines. I'll check those links out as well, thank you.

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It does look as if you're working toward solving this problem and that's good. All too often people will sit idle, paralyzed by depression. Not able to function at all.  That's the worst thing that anybody could do. Breaking out of this rut and forcing oneself to make the effort toward solving problems is the key.  There are many of us here who are living proof of that. There is a solution to every problem. Don't give up. Keep fighting this and I promise, you'll find a way.

MaryEllen :)

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Hey Joshua, thanks for getting back to us with an update.  It's good to know you've been working in a positive direction.  Also I'm sure your grandparents appreciate your time.  I remember helping out mine.  I miss them.  I'm sure your grandparents enjoy seeing you.  

Jani 

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The book The Myth of Sisyphus was helpful for me for what it is worth.

It is very dense in philosophy but in the end and during its reading gave me comfort and some where to go to in thought.

It is an essay by Camus discussing the validity of suicide which I surmise was something close to him.

it took me a while and was a place for me to go when I didn't want to be where I was. I took to movies and coffee shops and there were others who had read it as well.

One of my best friends shot himself when I was in my twenties and he has been on my mind daily and I am now 60.

Most recently this year an aquaintance that I talked to perhaps more than any friend these days hung himself after this years Super Bowl. 

I was shocked and think about him every time I go to the club as he was part of my life. Please listen to what is being said to you through this thread and by others and yor life will get better and worth living.

It did for me but its a work in progress. 

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The Myth of Sisyphus is awesome, but it can be really hard to read when you're severely depressed and it's hard to concentrate.  I'd recommend reading it on a good day and then remembering its message when you feel terrible.

I'm really sorry that life sucks for you so much right now, Joshua.  I wish I had a magic wand to fix everything, but obviously I don't.  All I can really say is that I've been suicidal many times myself, and I know how horrible it feels.  Are you safe right now?  When you say you're suicidal, does that mean you just want to go to sleep and never wake up, or do you have an active plan to end your life in the near future?  If you feel like you're in immediate danger of killing yourself, please call your therapist and/or go to your nearest emergency room.  Inpatient treatment isn't exactly fun, but it's better than being dead.  

If you're looking for online help, consider visiting SuicideForum.com, which has articles, forums, and chat all geared toward keeping you safe and helping you go on living.  There's a LGBTQIA forum there if that's where you'd feel more comfortable posting.  I spend a lot of time over there; my username's Silverpuddle.  If you visit, you can message me any time you like.  

I hope things start looking up for you soon!

 

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