gt002

What am I and what's happening to me

43 posts in this topic

Hey! Welcome to LP!

I noticed your pictures and you have such pretty eyes!

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1 hour ago, gt002 said:

That's it, right ! I posted these pictures because I saw the beginning of "the real me" behind them

Finally getting a glimpse of the girl inside is priceless. Our transformations take a lot of time, but finally seeing the feminine for the first time is like balm on a wound.

I like your letter, I think you will do well. You are a bit of a drama queen like myself, but I don't consider it to be a bad thing! ;)

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Letter is ready. Now I am silent and afraid. Was eating with wife and kids and thought perhaps it's one of the last time if I come out I will lose everybody. I don't want that.

But Clara can't remain in the closet anymore...

Tonight or not tonight, that's the question.

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We are here for you and with you, whatever you decide to do!

Tracy x

 

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5 hours ago, tracy_j said:

We are here for you and with you, whatever you decide to do!

Tracy x

 

You are wonderful, all of you.

Finally I fall asleep very early and didn't talk to her. Was too tired and ate too much anxiolitics

Now woke up and feel like terrified and very sad.

I am crying.

Thanks for being with me

Love

Clara

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This isn't an easy thing to do Clara. Take your time if you need to darlin'. You are doing this right, so don't be hard on yourself. <3

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No it's not easy. Was a little euphoric after writing the letter but the next step is the BIG step. Terrifying.

Had very bad feelings. This night I thought I could run away and start over as the real me elsewhere. I don't like having bad thought like this. This closet make me suffocating.

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5 hours ago, gt002 said:

Had very bad feelings. This night I thought I could run away and start over as the real me elsewhere. I don't like having bad thought like this. This closet make me suffocating.

I ran away when I was a kid. I ran away again when I joined the military. It never helped and just made things worse for me. But I know the feeling, I wanted to run away again when I finally stopped repressing and denying almost a year ago. Running just delays things temporarily. Not telling just delays things. But you have to make sure you are strong enough, that you are up to the challenge. When you start to chaff at being forced to be something you are not, when you simply can't stand to keep it inside any longer, that is a sign that you could be ready. But you don't have to say anything, you have time. Take it slow, do it when you are ready.

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UPDATE ! JUST DID IT ! and it sounds goods. 

Thank you for the courage you've given to me.

More details later...

 

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I was feeling very bad this afternoon and my wife was questioning me about what was happening.

First I said "nothing" and started crying.

Then she send the kids to play outside and she insisted for over an hour to know what I had to say.

Then I read for her the first part of the letter but was blocked at the moment to "throw the bomb."

She asks if I was an "homosexual", I said "yes, but attracted to women"

she didn't understand. After 10 minutes of questioning, I was really coming out, I told her everything about the clothes, the feelings I have since I was a kid. No lie, only honesty.

Her first answer was : "Oh Cool! And you will do your transition?" and then "What's your girl name ?"

She said she is OK with everything but she will need time to make the switch in her head.

We also talked about the kids and we decide that for the moment, I can be myself only in the bedroom to preserve the child. But she's also encouraging me to come out to the children in the future.

She's been very supportive, said she would always support me even if I transition.

She now wants to see the clothes, she's also open to share some items and she also give me a discount coupon for buying new clothes. She's wonderful.

Now I will calm down and try not to overwhelm her. I must evaluate the situation in the following days and be aware of her questions. But all sounds very good now.

8 hours ago, Cindy Truheart said:

When you start to chaff at being forced to be something you are not, when you simply can't stand to keep it inside any longer, that is a sign that you could be ready.

Cindy, when I read this sentence, I knew it was the right moment. Thank you.

I am happy to be now a BIG step further and to begin my real life

Next stop : gender therapist

 

Love

Clara

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Clara this is very good.  I'm sure you are relieved and your wife knows the truth.  You can now get on with lives.  Congratulations.

Jani

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Yes, I am relieved and I am happy to be out to my wife. 

But I am still anxious, this is a very fresh news, I am not sure my wife will be so enthusiastic in a few days, but I hope so.

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My wife is now questioning me, some questions are difficult to answer. She considers Clara and [MyMaleName] like two persons. I explained that [MyMaleName] was always Clara hidden inside.

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My wife is now questioning me, some questions are difficult to answer. She considers Clara and [MyMaleName] like two persons and asks which one loves her. I explained that [MyMaleName] was always Clara hidden inside. But she don't understand that

I also went to gender a specialist today. We had good talking. He said that I already started a kind of transition process in my mind. Now I must see the psychiatrist for 3 months before I can get HRT.

 

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Clara that's good that your meeting with your therapist went well.  A good therapist in invaluable.   I can understand how you wife might see the Clara and still see the old you too.  She's known and lived with that person for some time so it may be a while before she will only see Clara.   While she hasn't said it for some time my spouse says when she looks at me she still sees the old me.  I know it is hard.  My face is the same, just happier.   I told my Mother that she would most likely see "him" for a long time because that's who she's known for (many) years.   She does wonderfully though.   

It's encouraging that your wife is supportive but take it slow with her.  This is a big change in her life that she never anticipated.  Be loving.

Jani  

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Dear Clara, I am soo happy for you, as Jani says go slowly, there will be lots of tears and love along the way and setbacks to.I can't help feeling that as I said earlier your wife did have an idea of what was wrong,it is all in the open now.

Lots of love to you both.

viviennemichelle

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You're right Jani, I am going too fast, the emotions and feelings are so powerful, it is hard to "stop the machine".

I slow down as much as possible but my wife also can't talk about anything else. She is interested in discovering the "real me" and I find that's wonderful. I really feel a lot of love from her.

We both feel terrified about the social transition, especially towards the kids. How to deal with young kids within a transition ? I know the society will say that's "no good for the kids" but having a depressive "father" is also "no good". The "What would people say" question is a very big thing. 

A "little voice" in my head says me "you can now be yourself in the intimacy, be happy and don't go further"
but the "biggest voice" says I must hurry to transition because I have already lost a lot of time. 

Another issue since my coming out is that we both don't feel anymore comfortable speaking with any people. A part of me want to come out to everybody, but I know it's going too fast. We should keep the secret at least during the initial therapy. The difficult part is to live "normally" with that secret. 

Love

Clara

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Good luck Clara :)

Things seem to be going , As others have said - It is a big change for wife! It happens with everyone. Take it steady and open. Acceptance takes time and understanding will take even longer.

Tracy

 

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