notsure2015

New progress in understanding myself

40 posts in this topic

Exactly, I've been contemplating why I don't have the overwhelming urge to dress up at home anymore, I suppose HRT has helped, and I do want a social transition. 

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Okay, I hope this helps:

i was very young when I first experienced the sensation or taboo of wearing women's or girl's undergarments.

at first, a bunch of kids were visiting and they/we got into my mom's nylon stockings drawer(this was probably 1966-67). I recalled the sensation of the silky smoothness of my legs, and hearing the oooh-la-la reactions of all of us pretending, even walking around in her high heels.

But when I was about 6 or 7, I snuck into my sister's bedroom and slipped into a pair of her silky panties. I didn't know it was wrong, but I got caught, and to humiliate me, my father forced me to put on one of my sister's dresses and be paraded in front of a family of friends we had over to visit one day. It felt so shameful and I became terrified. 

Still, as I grew, I became more and more disdainful of my gender. I recall about age 11 or 12 praying I could be a girl. I hated being a boy because I feared I would grow up to be just like my dad, and quite honestly, I felt jealous of the beauty and grace of femininity.

Of course, my prayers were silly in a way, but in a way I have never lost that desire to be feminine. I have crossdressed behind closed doors countless times in my life, including when I was in my early teens. I would sneak a pair of panties from the laundry and I even slept in a pair of panties a few times, but was quite fearful of getting caught, so it was rare.

often when I knew my family would be gone for hours at a time, I would sneak into my mother's drawer of panties, bras, hose and would even on occasion try on the black silky ruffled panties that I could only imagine a woman would wear when she was in the mood.

one night I was in a bra, panties, pantyhose and I stretched out on my parent's bed and fell asleep. I luckily heard the car pull in the driveway, raced to undress, dash to put away everything, and then raced downstairs to the shower!

As I developed into a young man, I became altogether focused on girls. I was of course very attracted to them, and couldn't wait to match up my parts with theirs.

But I still had this fixation on girl's clothes. I would have given much to trade places with so many girls I knew when I was in high school and college. I envied their shape, their clothes, their hair, and just the delicate loveliness of girls.

Realizing that I was a man, I did what most do, and got married, did the requisite things married men are supposed to do, and even so, I would sneak into panties and other delicates on occasion. 

There are many things in life more important than dressing up. Fatherhood. Being a good person. Striving to provide for a family. Realizing what you were created to do. 

And still, I feel a need to become a woman in my mind sometimes. My wife has been as understanding as one could hope. Now in my 50's, she is much more caring and accepting, especially since I learned of my leukemia. Circulation and pain in my legs has led to an unintentional benefit, which is my doctor advising I wear tights to aid in circulation.

thats like forcing me to eat ice cream every day.

so I am building a wardrobe of tights, leggings and because I am a fairly large man, I have found maternity pants(yoga pants) are perfect for my condition).

i also wear Spanx tights which are not nearly as uncommon as I might have though these days.

but even now, I struggle with the idea of fully dressing as a woman. Even harder is the idea of coming out as trans-whatever and outwardly expressing my inner-girl. I fear ridicule, mockery, harsh judgment and upending so many facets of my life. 

So I seek contentment in those rare times when I can simple feel free to dress and traipse around the house confusing our canines with the wardrobe choices  I occasionally make.

unfortunately, the world simply isn't ready to see me in a camisole, a slinky cocktail dress or skinny jeans and a nice top with matching earrings and a necklace, and a lovely wig, makeup and heels.

and then there's the sexuality aspect of all this. When I am dressed, I find myself feeling desires which are very hard to even express. I am madly, insanely attracted to women. I feel if I were a girl, I would still be attracted to women. But I am not a woman. At most perhaps I would call myself a Happy lesbian trapped in a man's body and wil very convenient parts to rock my woman's world. 

But let me stress this: you mustn't obsess on this. You were created the way you were for a reason. At the end of your life, there are many other aspects of life you mustn't allow yourself to miss out on because you were too obsessed with chasing this elusive female that exists only in your mind's eye in the mirror.

A person could easily drive the self to madness if they refused to accept that they cannot change what's in their DNA. Surgeries, hormones, and countless hours of creating an illusion of a woman will never reverse the DNA. Instead of denying what you are physically, embrace what you are. Playacting is one thing. But at the end of life, what really matters is what you have done with the life you were given.

so, live a full, rich life. Learn of the joys of falling in love, getting married, having a family, studying, finding your true life's passion in  whatever talents and gifts God has bestowed on you and you alone.

i believe much of the gender confusion in today's world is a contradiction of who and what we truly are. People. I actually am very glad that societal norms exist, and that I have lived my life knowing the roller-coaster ride of being a husband, a father, a mentor at times, a true believer in God, redemption, and understanding the difference between fantasy and reality. 

Enjoy your life, but do not buy into this false belief that you must choose to make sexual/gender fulfillment you one life's goal.

believe it or not, a day will come when sex becomes a much lower priority in life than simply living your life for the ones you love, and for always listening to that voice that tells you it is better to be that guy who does the right thing simply because he knows it is the right thing to do.

Marching in parades is no substitute for the happiness of true family, fatherhood, faith, and a life well-lived.

before you realize it, you'll wake up in your mid-50's, and if you are as blessed as I am, you will find the biggest thrill in the world is waking up with a chance to try to make the world a better place, and to give smiles, hugs, and true love to the people who mean the most to you.

I wish you all the best. 

 

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Jenny in some ways i agree with you and have lived a history somewhat similar to yours.   I have certainly enjoyed the role that was assigned to me to the best of my ability.  I was and continue to be a good parent and member of society and continue to do that even though i am now legally a female.  I give smiles, hugs and true love to many close to me and also understand that compassion for those who find they have been assigned a role they cannot live with.  Many of us are unable to dress on occasion and find relief from the knowledge of our nature.  It is wonderful that for many crossdressing is a solution and for some (like you?) that becomes unnecessary. I have also been fortunate to find a path that works for me and those i love.  Fortunately society is beginning to find a path towards accepting many paths.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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Thanks Charlize.

i admire your courage. And I do often wonder about what life would have been like had my Chromosomes been XX. 

But it is hard to imagine, born and built like I am, how a full MTF transition would ever have worked out for me. 

The idea of traditional gender-roles often results in jealousy for me. I would love to have had the same options as girls in terms of shape, beauty and the clothes and styles which I am so enamored by.

i just cannot imagine any makeover artist who could make me passable(heaven knows, I would if I could).

but perhaps my imaginings and fantasies are better left unrealized, as the last thing I want is to be viewed as some kind of deluded side-show act that doesn't have the capacity to see me as the world sees me.

of course, when I was young, nobody would ever express themselves outwardly for fear of ridicule, ostracization and actual physical danger.

i know everybody is an individual and it's ironic that there are no one-size-fits-all solutions to people's gender issues. 

 

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I was just doing some reading through out the site and I came across an article another member had posted. It was about how we try to prove what we are by comparing ourselves to what we think we are, but we really should be proving what we're not by comparing ourselves to what we should be. And that we try to attribute the feelings to depression or lack of confidence or maybe even a phase which I can say I have done more than once. It was a really interesting way of thinking about myself and I realize maybe I have been thinking about this all wrong. As much as I want to be a normal guy, would a normal guy have the desire to dress as a woman, would a normal guy have dreams about waking up as a woman, would a normal guy be jealous of the women who walk by them because he wants to be like them, dress like them, no, I'm definitely not a normal guy. What I do know is that I do like dressing up when the feeling strikes me, but the problem is dealing with the guilt and shame after a period of time. I guess that I feel that way because I want to be normal, but I'm clearly not, and it's not a bad thing I know that. I guess it's hard to accept who you are when your torn between genders. It's like I don't know who I am or who I want to be, and I don't have the time or privacy to really try to explore this other side to see if I can find myself. 

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6 hours ago, notsure2015 said:

What I do know is that I do like dressing up when the feeling strikes me, but the problem is dealing with the guilt and shame after a period of time.

The mess I got myself into with this 10 years ago damn near killed me.  Please get the shame part of this OUT of your life. It will really rip you to pieces if you do not.  The step to take here is to look carefully at your dressed up self, and mentally and maybe verbally tell yourself that there is nothing shameful or harmful in what you do.  We tend to convict and hang ourselves more readily than anyone else ever comes near to doing to us.  Give yourself approval to do the dressing, and then congratulate yourself on how you are doing to becoming an even better self.  Smile in the mirror and take a few deep calming breaths.  Then go and do something for a while as the person you saw and thought looked good.  If you have to go back to your male self, do it with a smile and tell yourself there will be a pleasant time in the future to do it again.  Keep your smile as you saw your Femme self and recognized it a either the real you or real part of you in the mirror in mind, and keep life going ahead.

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Notsure, and that guilt, shame and denial is what caused me to try to supress the feelings for most of my life. When I got married I assumed (incorrectly) that the feelings would never return. Well they did, and I had a few months of soul searching about why I am ashamed of this. This lead me to reading up for the first time about it from others who have gone through what I have. It helped me realize that it is nothing to be ashamed about. God loves me just the same, it is the people around me that might react differently. That part scared me,  I then came across the null-hypothe-cis (http://freethoughtblogs.com/nataliereed/2012/04/17/the-null-hypothecis/ ), that pretty much got rid of most of my denial. Sounds like you found one of my posts about it. It then became the nerve wracking experience of comming to terms with what I wanted to do about it (knowing my marriage would probably end should I transition--it did btw), and the scary prospect of how family, friends and co-workers would react should I come out.

It has been a year since that turmoil, I'm in a better spot. My family not suprisingly has had the most trouble,  but beyond that coming out has been ok. Work has been especially welcoming.

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On 1/12/2017 at 10:53 PM, VickySGV said:

 Please get the shame part of this OUT of your life. It will really rip you to pieces if you do not. 

Yessssssssssss...... That was the whole reason I began counseling, shame and self hatred. This allowed me to learn a great deal about myself......

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Hello Notshure, I can join with you over the start of my crossdressing and the guilt, fear of discovery and the need to do it again, in my case it was my mothers clothes, in a way she helped because she had a mental condition and as I was the only other person in the house I had to do the washing by hand, I was probably about 8 at the time and I remember so clearly the feel of the nylons in my hands and pegging them on the line to dry, there was of course the suspender belts  etc to go with them.

She also made me sleep with her until my father returned to the house from the army after seven tears away, that was a terrible shock, I didn't get over it for years.

 

I am typing this wearing the clothes I feel most comfortable in.

Lots of hugs.

viviennemichelle

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On 1/12/2017 at 7:17 PM, notsure2015 said:

I was just doing some reading through out the site and I came across an article another member had posted. It was about how we try to prove what we are by comparing ourselves to what we think we are, but we really should be proving what we're not by comparing ourselves to what we should be. And that we try to attribute the feelings to depression or lack of confidence or maybe even a phase which I can say I have done more than once. It was a really interesting way of thinking about myself and I realize maybe I have been thinking about this all wrong. As much as I want to be a normal guy, would a normal guy have the desire to dress as a woman, would a normal guy have dreams about waking up as a woman, would a normal guy be jealous of the women who walk by them because he wants to be like them, dress like them, no, I'm definitely not a normal guy. What I do know is that I do like dressing up when the feeling strikes me, but the problem is dealing with the guilt and shame after a period of time. I guess that I feel that way because I want to be normal, but I'm clearly not, and it's not a bad thing I know that. I guess it's hard to accept who you are when your torn between genders. It's like I don't know who I am or who I want to be, and I don't have the time or privacy to really try to explore this other side to see if I can find myself. 

I'm going to echo what others said here. Yes, please take the shame part out of your thoughts. It WILL cause you harm! After all the abuse and shame I had as a child I crammed everything into a box in my head, wrapped chains around it and threw it into a lake in the deepest recesses of my mind. I was ashamed, I was afraid for my safety, and because of my father I thought that EVERYONE would hurt me for being myself. It took twenty years before I 'popped my cap' and the memories and emotions started to come back. I've almost ruined my life so many times and in so many different ways it's scary. Taking the shame out of it and learning to love myself for who I am was the only way for me to survive, and even then it was touch and go for a while. Please don't be ashamed for something that makes you feel better. That thinking was put into us by small-minded people who can't wrap their heads around the idea that we were just born different. They think everything has to be in well defined categories and that nobody should color outside the lines. You don't have to listen to them anymore!

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Hi Notsure,

I think you can see that you aren't alone, we've all been there and in some cases still are, in cycles of not dressing, purging, guilt, then that familiar feeling of curiosity again, then the overwhelming need to dress......etc etc

My only additional piece of advice - Don't Purge your wardrobe, this ends up being expensive and rarely has the desired effect of preventing future bouts of dressing.

Luv Em x

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I actually went to a CD club last night for the first time in ages.  I ran into a friend there who nailed our acquaintanceship at 19 years in a combination of that club which has been there 10 years, and two others of 6 and 5 years each (I know that adds up to 20 years, but take my word that those were the times!!)  The first time I went out after a make-over my friend had made a big point of the "NOT PURGING" thing, but one individual admitted they had purged, and could stiff the rest of their life out.  A week later they had gone on a shopping binge and spent nearly $3K on new clothing.

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hey girls, I just bought this really cool butt lifter enhancer from amazon...it will arrive on sunday...cant wait to try it on...it is also has like control top pantyhose material so it will be easy to hide the buldge.  

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So I just got some good news, I recently got an apartment with a roommate. It's not the perfect set up I imagined but it's definitely the space and privacy I needed from my parents. The only problem is that my roommate doesn't know about my under dressing or the possibility that I think I may be more than just a cross dresser.  I'm excited because I'll have a private room and I won't have to worry about my parents barging in or rummaging through my drawers, but I won't have the total privacy I need to help explore my feelings and understand where I may be in the umbrella. I'm really excited and can't wait but I think all this excitement has my urge to dress at an all time high.  I was wondering if maybe anyone knew any ways to feel more feminine but subtly. I'm excited and scared to find out where these feelings will take me, but I really feel I need to dig a little deeper, and try to embrace and understand my feminine side. I've been trying to hide and deny it for so many years, I think it's time to stop running, and start accepting myself. 

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Hi, NotSure. Before my obvious transition, I started out with the underdressing (bra, panties and whatnot) like most others. Growing my hair, painting my toenails, fingernails a really light pink. Things like that. Ear piercings even.

Then after that for a while, moved on to the next step, hormones. Feel free to contact me if you'd like. HUGS

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