[Eric_a]

Sorry that I'm drunk now. Sorry that the only time I show up here is when I'm drunk. Sorry to everyone I have hurt because of the drinking.

Went to AA for about a year, step program. Good bunch of guys (went to men only meeting) until a Mormon called me out because I can't find a higher power. Ironic eh? (Mormons go to hell for alcohol IIRC) Kinda scares me though. I do not believe in any religion so that makes it difficult and a few of the guys there felt the same but their kids were their "higher power". Before I say this, anyone that believes in whatever is fine...just don't push it on me. My problem is no god or kids or close family. So AA won't work for me? I'm missing their core belief, the higher power. I'm just here trying to be happy. That's all I want. Being drunk all the time just masks it easier. Even when I could be happy I'm not cause I'm drunk. But when I'm sober I have to be mister tough guy which isn't me at all, just the person people see.

So do I need a higher power? Those guys pushed it, pushed until I was physically fighting another person. That was not their intention but that's how it ended. Liked AA, kinda miss it but I don't believe in anything anymore.

I drink to hide from myself. To make it simple I drink whenever I can. Tired now, want to stop just seems the "programs" aren't for me.

[Kathleen Rose]

Hi Eric,

How about yourself being the "higher power"? You don't need to ask a higher power for self-acceptance. You can find it within yourself. I'd strongly recommend that you get to therapy - there you can find the path to self-acceptance and stop hiding from yourself.

Please?

Love, Kat

[Eric_a]

Think I'm on the path to be myself, that's why I signed up here. :D
Was told it can't be me..lol, maybe it was a bad group but I liked those guys.
Tried therapy. Didn't work, that's why I tried AA. You have to understand that my "look" intimidates people. Therapists seem to agree with me on what would help. Well if I was right I wouldn't need to see them, right?

[N.Chaos]

I think Kathleen makes a good point.
I myself have a lot of derision towards organized religion, so try to understand that's where I'm coming from, but I think religion exists only for people who can't find/make their own reasons, explanations and drive for things. In my opinion, it's just another crutch, another hiding place.
You should be your own deity, basically. There's a huge difference between selfishness and self preservation, just try to remember that. In a culture that obsesses over altruism and then spouts off about who's richer than whom, I think it's important to remember that your ultimate goal in life should be your own happiness, and by that extent, the happiness of those that MAKE you happy.
If that makes any sense.
Then again, I'm sleep deprived as hell and probably making little to no sense.

[Eric_a]

N.Chaos, on May 21 2010, 04:32 AM, said:

I think Kathleen makes a good point.
I myself have a lot of derision towards organized religion, so try to understand that's where I'm coming from, but I think religion exists only for people who can't find/make their own reasons, explanations and drive for things. In my opinion, it's just another crutch, another hiding place.
You should be your own deity, basically. just try to remember that. In a culture that obsesses over altruism and then spouts off about who's richer than whom, I think it's important to remember that your ultimate goal in life should be your own happiness, and by that extent, the happiness of those that MAKE you happy.
If that makes any sense.
Then again, I'm sleep deprived as hell and probably making little to no sense.

Wow, if I was more articulate that is how I would word it. That alone helps a lot. My theory goes: you are only here to make one person happy, self. If you happen to make others happy a long the way then great, if not oh well.

Thank you for that post. Maybe I'm not alone.

[viv]

Hi Eric, higher power can be whatever works for you . In recovery
people grab on to whats working for them and wont let go ,,for me
(( then )) my higher power was the thought of a mind at rest ,loose
the fear ,,,,,you know hun ??? ,,worked for me thankfully . Your time
will come ,,in AA,, or therapy -it will come . Hold on to that and if you
can ,please plan your next trip to sanity/sobriety as soon as poss. I
dearly hope you find your way to happiness Eric ,,your entitled to that.
luv,viv :)