Secrets, Hurdles And Progress

Posted by Jackie, Jul 11 2007, 09:50 PM

July 5, 2007

Well, I have been here for seven days now. A lot of things have happened and I have thought a lot. First off I posted my Prequel to Laura’s Playground. And I have been talking to many new people. The Moderators in the live chat have been awesome. And the girls, and guys, I have met through the Live chat are all super people. It warms my heart to know that they are there with a warm hug, a quick smile, and wit to soften my rough edges when I need it.

My wife and I have talked to some extent about what’s happened to me and what I foresee happening during my transition. She doesn’t want me to come out to the kids but she doesn’t mind me dressing en femme after hours and whatever I do outside is my business, as long as I leave and return “en bubba.” She has given free access to all her cosmetics and most of her dresses and lingerie. It’s great because we wear the same size. She has also given me an ankle bracelet that I had given her as a slave bracelet. Since we are no longer into that lifestyle as far as the two of us are concerned, we changed the meaning of the bracelet to a promise anklet to me. It also is a feminine item I can keep on always, no matter if I’m en bubba or not.

That promise is that when our youngest leaves the nest I can go full time. That’s about 12 years from now. I know it’s a long time. During our discussion we talked about what it would do to her kids to come out sooner, that she would have to leave me due to her ex throwing a fit when he found out and it would cause a lot of trouble for her. She also pointed out what coming out would probably do to my kids. That my mom, dad and sister wouldn’t accept it and disown me, and since they have my three kids, I’d loose them too, again. She also said in no uncertain terms that she cannot and will not stay with a woman. She has no interest in that kind of relationship.

It is lots to think about. And she did make good arguments, based in facts that are most likely true. Some of it can’t be known till the bridge is approached. Some can. I didn’t tell her directly that I was a woman the moment I realized it. That split second it took me to jump from the virtual world into my, unfortunately, boy body. That’s a fact I can’t, and won’t dismiss. Now comes the choices ahead, like can I wait 12 years and then just lose her, or probably more correctly to lose her in my heart now and act falsely for 12 years till finally the stone falls and she finally realizes what I am. Or, when in the next 12 years she realizes it and we part there. If that isn’t stress I need to re-read the definition.

There are other things too. I went to the MCC church on Sunday. It has a small gay and lesbian congregation. It doesn’t, however, have any transgended members. I asked about Trans meeting or groups and they seemed to be put off by the question. They did say that they had a teen TG group but that was it. I was hoping to find access to a group through them or at least someone to talk to. I might go this Sunday to see if my first impressions were right. I like to give everyone a second chance.

I still have no local information on support groups yet. I have sent emails to all the contacts I have come across but still looking. I have even tried a couple of those T dating sites to see if there another like soul within easy reach. I’m still hopeful but that is waning some.

I float my spell upon the wind, to find the ones that are sought,
The spirit of sisters dear, for you this work is carefully wrought.
Find me spirits find me soon, for I wish to share ere noon
The power of love and heart and soul, to intertwine in a single rune
One of power and one of strength, to laugh and love and hearts to break.
I give this spell unto the wind of the cosmos of all to give and take.

I’m starting to think that my best bet is to cut out for a job I can transition in, in a big metropolitan place that has more Tran resources and TG’s as well. I started looking at Seattle this morning and wha-la there’s an opening I’d be good for. Kind of makes you wonder. I didn’t apply yet. I may still do it and let that be the trigger for facing the wife. I don’t know. It’s going to hurt her no matter how I do it, but maybe being angry at me will help her more? Who knows?

Money problems continue to dog us. On Monday I called the DA on my employer due to the fact that he isn’t accepting any phone calls and owes me on two bad checks and the remainder of payroll as well as the back pay he has agreed to pay me. They suggested that I send a certified letter outlining payments required. The worst thing that would happen would be after 10 days they would be able to act on the matter. I did and in two days he called me to make payment arrangements. I don’t believe that he will follow through with his promises. He has a great track record of not doing so. So I’ll see what avenue I have to take on that front.

I am thankful that I have been a boy for 40 years. I find that when I really need it, there is a pool of spare strength that I can call on in tough situations. But even this was a strong draw on that reserve. So I recharge myself and that secret pool as fast as I can and get ready for the next step.

I’m a little surprised at a change I have notices with my RPG character. She doesn’t hold my attention as she did before. There is still a wish to be able to pull that body out of the virtual world and have it. I was really drawn well. But, I think, it’s that I am living and breathing and have aspirations that are holding my attentions now. I want to talk and learn and meet people in real life now. To be able to have a correct physical body is what I long for in the depths of my soul.

The wife says I am changing to fast for her. To me a second hand’s movement is a lifetime in itself. I have begun studying cosmetics and have started shaping my brows. I run my fingers through my sparse hair and wonder what, and when I will be able to do anything with it. I do know I won’t ever wear it this short ever again

Oh, other changes of interest, after a few days the turn on of wearing clothes went away. It just makes me feel better to be dressed. The feeling is so strong that I have to have something on all the time to feel ok or concentrate. Another difference is that I feel naked without something other than a shirt over my breasts. So I have started wearing a sports bra out of the house and a spaghetti strapped halter top around the house, under a shirt. My shaving is almost complete. All that remains of my body hair is my back and arms. Ones too hard to do without help and the other is too obvious without a good story to go with it. I think I have a story if I was ever asked about it, but I am going to let that be part of the rite of passage to going out dressed the first time. But, I haven’t decided for sure yet.

My shopping list for passable is getting set. I have, wig, girdle, maybe a gaff, some cotton panties, and a big bottle of Nair… I also want to find some help with cosmetics and maybe see if I can find someone to wax my brows, at least the first time. I have also thought about getting a set of acrylics, but I have to find a friendly salon for all those things.

I have made the decision to also look for a Tran friendly doctor for HRT. I have done lots of research on HRT and diabetes and I think I’ll be able to get a scrip and not have and trouble with the two. I’m going to start calling around tomorrow to see what I find. Not sure how I’m going to word it yet but I have a few hours to thnk on that… and it can wait till Monday if I have too.

Jackie's Womb Story - Prequel To Life According To Jackie

Posted by Jackie, Jul 11 2007, 07:15 PM

July 1, 2007

*Deep Male voice from beyond the stars*
Jackie was born on June 28th 2007 Genetic age 41 in October
*Voice grows staticky and fades away*

"Happy Birthday" (it took me a few days to learn to talk) that’s from the animated Frosty the Snowman! Let me tell you an edited version of my "womb" experience.

My first memories of my conception were when my body was 6. I realized that boys and girls were different. It took two more years for the yearning to be a GG girl to swell into wanting to look like girl. I found an old steamer chest of clothes that my mom had stored away (and moved a few times) from her younger days. I found a taffeta party dress, an old girdle with the hooks for the garters, and some stockings. In the middle of the night I spirited them away to the back yard and dressed. It felt wonderful. I knew my parents wouldn't approve. I was a boy for god's sake and living in a small town in North Carolina it would be shunned and I would be alienated. So I did it in secret. I also didn't know about garters...

By 12, these midnight rendezvous with my true self wasn't enough. I stealthed to school in the girdle. As long as I didn't have to dress out for PE, which wasn't but a couple of days a week, I was fine. One day I tried to add the stockings, with disastrous results. During science class they slipped down and bunched about my ankles. The teacher stopped me after class and i quickly came up with the excuse that I was prone to chigger bites and my mom found that stocking stopped them. I even believe she bought it because I never heard another word about it. But the damage was done. I was teased for weeks until the bullies forgot the incident and I was heart broken. All my friends were gone, well, because, you don't hang around with the teased target without getting in the line of fire now and then.

The rest of the year I skulked around school and got more and more depressed. I got suspended from school for fighting and my grades slipped dramatically. Before summer break I decided the urge was too hard to ignore to dress en femm and I started binding myself in bed so I couldn't get up and "go girl." This didn't work too well as I tied myself and could undo my handy work as well.

With deep depression setting in, one night I decided to end it. I got my stockings and girdle together and tied myself on the bedpost of my bunk bed, upside down. I wanted to leave this life with someone knowing that I was a girl trapped in a boys body. With a rope rigged to strangle me I let go. The noise awoke my parents and they saved me but I don't remember that because I had passed out already.

I awoke with them hovering over me with my dad giving me mouth to mouth. I have blocked out if they took me to ER but I would think they did. Soon after I was seeing a psych doctor and me being very precocious I played the man like a fine guitar. He got all he could get from me (I was verrrry cooperative) without being able to diagnose me. My parents weren't rich by any stretch of the word and soon I was outta there.
*Jackie's voice slowly fades, to be replaced by Male*

Jackie was pushed so deep by that few months that it took her quite a while to resurface. Meanwhile...

We moved to Atlanta that summer (Job move for Dad), and I got held back and sent to a special school. See, I was hyperactive and never made good grades and with the slump over the previous year barely passed. I was also required to see another therapist one day a week which was really cool because I got to travel MARTA from school, through Avondale, and then to the outskirts of Stone Mountain to his office, all by myself. The school did it's trick and the therapist never did get to Jackie, so I was "cured."

I then went to High school, wrestled and graduated. During this time I discovered weed and alcohol. It helped keep Jackie repressed and I graduated without another incident (mom's word there). We then moved to California (another of dad's career moves) and within a year I found electronics by way of a CB and someone who finally touched Jackie's soul. He was an elderly man who worked on radio, was a HAM operator and an Indian medicine man. I think he saw Jackie in my eyes when he looked at me. It wasn't anything overt, sexual or anything like that but Jackie became aware...

*Jackie bubbles in*

Yea, he was a cool guy. He talked about stuff like transcending, and lost spirits and lost paths. Much later, I realized that he was talking to and about me.

The boy got us into electronics through the Navy. I surfaced mostly in his dreams and fantasies. Whenever the smut was going around I was the girl and the acts were being done to me. I started feeling the urge to get out again and it was channeled into sexual frustration. It became an ever increasing cycle of self satisfaction and pushing at any and all authority. Eating and alcohol were another way He coped. He was an empty shell. He thought the void could be filled by dating and finally marrying his high school sweetheart. This gave me access to clothing and he assumed it meant something sexual. I coasted along as a fantasy he was trying to attain, but the void never got filled. After a child and 6 years in the Navy we were honorably discharged under medical condition for obesity and the wife was pregnant with our daughter.

The wife didn't like losing the security of a government job and things went south from there. We had a third child and it was 4 years before it got too bad and we divorced.

I was the well of love and comfort that exuded to the children. I even got so close to the surface that he did the Mr. Mom thing off and on as the wife would get work. It was the closest I had gotten to the surface since childhood and he realized that something was wrong inside.

Ex-wife found a bo and the children were hidden away from me until, with the help of the internet and a few tiny clues I found them. Soon a court order came and to make a very long chapter short I lost custody of the children as did the ex-wife. They were reunited with the family by my dad getting my oldest and my younger sister getting the other two. After the adoption was final the courts and more importantly CPS got out of all our lives and I now have visits and calls whenever I can.

During this period drugs were reintroduced into my life along with a spiraling depression. A friend forced me to look long and hard at what was left of my life and I am so thankful to him to this day. He introduced me to the gothic "thing" (for lack of a better term) as well as alternative lifestyles. He also introduced me to RPG on the computer and at last I could coexist with him. I became the female character on the screen, and came to life. Until I was born a few days ago that’s where I have resided. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

He has always had the "en femme" outlet and it has allowed us to be one. Learning who I was and that clothing wasn't something sexual; that I was a person. That I was ME! I have had my world changed from magical middle ages to the far future of the galaxy. I have found that I have hopes and dreams; that I have feelings and desires.

I finally made the transference from computer model to real life in an instant of recognition. It was a short labor... lol

I AM. I am a person. I am a female, maybe not genetically, but hey is anyone on earth perfect? I started looking back and watching all the pieces of my life falling into place. He faded from the memory all together. He was my genetic, as is my hair and eye color. But he wasn't anymore. OH GLORIOUS BIRTH. Hello World, Look out I am here and ready to take on this world as a woman!

Now I begin the glorious journey of self discovery. I get married again a few years ago and thankfully she is ok with this. She has helped me discover my boundless love of mine and her children. She has three as well. And after the proverbial slap back to reality from my giddy birth, I have realized that I need to take my time. I need to take one day at a time and I need to learn alot!

Thankfully I found this place to share my questions and learn from people that weren't born yesterday. (Pardon the pun).

I love you all, in all your differences. I look forward to a very long, sometimes trying, but ultimately, joyous, complete, whole life. To borrow from the Wicca practices...

Blessed Be! Sisters and Brothers