Visualisation In A Nutshell!
Posted by Jendar, May 4 2008, 01:22 AM
[VISUALISATION IN A NUTSHELL
WARNING ! No guarantee That This Will Work In All Situations…Oh Yeah…It’s not in any way detrimental to ones health and wellbeing…But could quite possibly be very Beneficial
This morning I drove to one of my favourite spots – Palm Beach look-out point…I sat in my car wowing the moment of beauty that stood before my eyes…The gentle breeze magically creating ripples over the surface of a bottle green mass of water as the sun’s ray penetrated Aotearoa [The land of the long white cloud]…To my right I could see blue grey smoke created by a fire lit by people who wanted to keep warm…
As I watched the smoke shape shift it’s way to the heavens, the cobwebs in my mind dissolved…The smoke clouds began to stimulate thought…”For every action – there’s a reaction!” …I was witnessing ‘Chi’ at work, flowing in harmony, constantly recycling….The shape shifting smoke ‘generated’ by the fire that some people had lit to keep warm had started a chain reaction which has lead me to write this.
The smoke goes into the atmosphere, it does not disappear into thin air, sadly it creates ‘thin air’ in the form of pollution…For every single action in this universe there ‘MUST’ be a reaction of a kind ‘positive or negative’, to maintain some form of Universal balance… Chi is not only all around us it also interacts with/ flows through everything including our inner[what we think] and outer[what we see] minds…
When we breathe out, this gas is recycled as it interacts in a beneficial way with the leaves on the trees and in turn the trees return the favour by taking our waste energy[well it’s not really waste energy as such] and recycling it, in doing so, cleaning the air we breathe …’Harmony at work’…
Our thoughts are but ‘recycled’ energy…An energy force that must complete it’s cycle…As I ‘think’ [stimulated by the surrounding Chi] these thoughts are constantly altering the original Chi that created them…My thought’s energy must now create actions which in turn interact with the surrounding Chi…”For every action…there’s a reaction!”[Or one could say… there’s no such thing as an idle thought…it must complete it’s cycle!]
What we think, what we say and what we do, all have Universal consequences…
MY TAKE ON HOW VISUALISATION WORKS
• Visualisation works like this; When we ‘visualise’ we are concentrating our thoughts into bundles of energy and this energy force is a ‘force’ to be reckoned with…These bundles of energy have nowhere else to go but into the surrounding Universal Chi…It is a concentrated energy ‘consciously’ produced, with a known purpose and direction, reinforced with clear ‘images/pictures’ [mind photographs or movies] and feelings that the Universal Chi needs to create/make ‘real’ in order to maintain a balance ‘harmony’.
• When ‘visualising’ one has to not only see what they want to happen but ‘feel’ as if it’s ‘already’ happened…You have to be ‘realistic’ when ‘visualising’. You must have a clear image in your mind of what you want to happen…For example, how did you feel when something really wonderful happened to you? Bottle that ‘feeling’ and use it with the image you’re visualising…
• The reason behind why we only need to ‘visualise’ the end result/outcome…
• To try and visualise every single detail of what and how you want something to happen is a ‘waste’ of time and energy[excuse the pun]…Visualising is like ‘programming’ the external Chi to work on ‘auto pilot’…Like an heat seeking missile this powered Chi energy seeks out or begins to create situations which will develop into our visualisation …carrying out it’s age old purpose ie, to make things happen, completing the cycle of energy and maintain a ‘Universal balance’… Energy is ‘happening’ and all ‘happening’ is energy!
• This external energy is constantly on the look out for a place within the scheme of things in which to deposit newly acquired energy and if it can’t find a suitable place then it will ‘create’ one and this is where our consciously controlled concentrated bundles of energy really kick in, not only our thoughts but our feelings and images to back them up gives the external Chi a more clearly defined target/goal
• REMEMBER if the Chi can not find an existing situation in which to deposit this energy it will create one similar to what we have ‘visually’ provided…
• You only need to visualise an happening that you wish to ‘materialise’ for five to ten minutes a day…Remember to make sure it’s realistic and within a practical time frame…Example if you have a meeting coming up say in a week’s time and you want a positive outcome…REMEMBER just ‘visualise’ the end result that will make you ‘feel’ good…Do this twice a day for the rest of the week…REMEMBER to make sure you reinforce the same images in your mind and feelings throughout your body…
You don’t have to believe my somewhat drawn out theory/explanation of how visualisation works…You don’t really need to worry about how it works, just believe it works and it WILL WORK!…It’s as simple as that!!!!
“IT WON’T ‘HAPPEN’ OVER NIGHT…BUT IT WILL ‘HAPPEN’!!!”
A QUICK RECAP
REMEMBER IT’S ONLY THE END RESULT THAT YOU NEED TO CONCENTRATE ON!
• Find a nice quite spot-alternatively you can listen to soft classical music…
• Relax…Take ten long deep breathes…In through the nose and out through the mouth-the music should gradually relax you…
• Conjure up the image that you want to see happen...Don’t forget to ad FEELING to the image…
• Keep focused on this image along with the feelings throughout your body…
• Do this for around a minute or two at first…Then gradually increase the time to five then ten minutes [After the first couple of time the image will automatically appear in your mind as you consciously ask it to, plus the attached FEELING will come along too]
• Remember!!! Be realistic with what you want to happen….
• Example…Say you have an important meeting of some kind and you want it to go well…DON’T ! I REPEAT DON’T! attempt to try and visualise the whole meeting …JUST HOW YOU WANT TO FEEL AFTER IT…Another example [umm I’m full of examples] Just picture shaking hands [or hugging if that’s your way] with whoever it is you were trying to impress and don’t forget the BIG SMILES on both your faces…
• It’s as easy as that…
• See how simple it is to do…Wow it’s just like magic!!
• WARNING! Sometimes the image in your mind does not quite match the actual happening…But the end result will be the same!!!
For some people all this might sound a bit too ‘new ageey’ …a bit hard to swallow…Magic even…
However if you try it you have nothing to loose and if it works …Well what can I say but, ENJOY a new experience, one that if done right, will reap all what you sow! [within ‘reason’ that is!!!]
REMEMBER...PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT!!!
Happy ‘visualising’
Metta Jendar 
"oh Well...sh*t Happens!"
Posted by Jendar, Mar 27 2008, 09:05 PM
I was blogged out for a while but couldn’t resist posting this…I truly do hope that the contents of this blog will go some way in helping others…
During my gender affirming period I often ‘craved’ the looks of Tyra Banks, but instead I had to contend myself with one of life’s simple mantras “Oh well sh*t happens!”
Buddhists believe we ‘suffer’ because we ‘crave’ and in order to overcome our suffering we must first put an end to our ‘craving’…
As trans-people we crave to be the person we feel we are inside…We crave to be accepted for being our true selves…We crave for ‘change’-to be ‘different’…How does one truly put an end to ones craving/suffering?
The first part is simple, we simply ‘become’ who we’re ‘meant’ to be…But in doing so this may not end all suffering…For some, acceptance of who they are by others is also what they crave…Now this may not be as easily achieved as the first…Ones attitude may have to ‘change’ in order for ones suffering to end… We ‘must’ accept that others may not accept us for who we are…
’Acceptance’ of this ‘phenomenon’ [fact] will put an end to our internal ‘suffering’-A way of finding this acceptance is simply asking yourself this... can any of us truly say we’ve always accepted others for who they were/are?...the simple and most truthful answer to this is ‘no’ ..so why should we expect others to fully accept us with open arms!...
We have no real control over how others feel about us, but we do have the ability to control our ‘attitudes’ towards them ….In the long run acceptance of the life we ‘lead’ whether it be closeted or ‘out’ in the open is the only way to end ones internal struggle – ‘suffering’…And in order for this to happen we must create a positive ‘attitude’…
There’s a good little pocketbook by the Dalai Lama call “The Dalai Lama’s book of wisdom” [you can pick up a copy for around $3.50 US on the net] Don’t worry I’m not trying to turn anybody into a Buddhist, he just teaches one how to overcome suffering in ones life in simple layman’s terms….Umm it all makes sense to me!
And if for some reason you don’t get his book just try these four simple steps [well words actually] Repeat after me “Oh well…sh*t happens!” Now doesn’t that feel good!
When things don't go your way in life just repeat this simple mantra and your attitude will change from negative to positive ![But the Dalai Lama's book of wisdom is by far a better choice]
Metta Jendar
I'm Blogged Out...
Posted by Jendar, Jan 31 2008, 11:47 PM
Kia Ora
I'm blogged out-so no more blogging for me...I've deleted most just left afew stories poems etc...
Bye for now
Metta Jendar
Eureka I’ve Found [sh]it…
Posted by Jendar, Jan 24 2008, 02:49 AM
BTW I had double entered my 'go with the flow' blog so I deleted one....
I’m at the park up and spark up spot writing most of this…
When I was younger I was afraid of ‘hell’s angels’ that was until I realised they were just lost souls who wore leather and rode motor bikes in search of themselves…
It’s a fact many members of this forum are god centred in one way or another….It’s also a fact many are or have been fighting a ‘bible battle’ with their conscience about certain parts in their holy book…Now this blog entry is not anti one’s beliefs-far from it...Back in the ‘bad’ old days when I was a somewhat reluctant believer I too fought the good fight with my religious conscience over “Man shall not wear the clothes of etc etc!” Plus the crap about ‘barren woman and homosexuals-men who lays with men etc’ Boy those words were a real pain in the arse for someone as confused as myself…However I overcame the “Woe is me” crap when I began to search for what was behind an ancient superstitious mind set at the time when it was written in stone then on reed paper…Ummmm ‘in stone’ I wonder…
I got into my mind machine and went back in time…and wow what a trip that was…You wouldn’t believe the crap I went through to get there…holy wars-the Spanish Inquisition but hey that’s another story-maybe later…
Anyway during my time in the past one key thing kept cropping up…Survival survival survival !
The ancient Hebrews were into survival in a big way and the key to survival was ‘waste not want not’ barren women were a waste and not really wanted-this also went for men who slept with men etc…What good were they to the survival of the Hebrew tribes they were no good as human conveyer belts passing on offspring to boost the tribe’s numbers…In the case of the barren women they just couldn’t and homosexuals ‘wouldn't’ …I also met a bright Hebrew spark who had sussed out that hygiene was another key to the tribe’s survival…Back then unisex clothing was the style of the day the clothes were very similar in style however most men also wore beards [that how one could tell them apart from woman mind you some women wore beards too] Swapping clothes was common practice between husband and wife…anyway back to the bright spark I was telling you about well when his wife had her monthlies[some had more than one wife BTW] her clothes smelt something terrible and were stained red…
Now remember this was the bright spark who connected unhygienic habits to sickness and death…’clever boy’ well he also remembered that often bad smells accompanied unhygienic habits…so being the bright spark that he was he went to see the head man and told him about his findings…Well the head man gave him two chickens and a goat for being such a clever so and so…Now the head man had a dilemma should he continue to wear his wife’s clothes after she had her monthlies and also should he still allow his wife to wear his…what if she had her monthlies whilst wear his clothes…There was only one thing to do,,,Make a law proclaiming no more ‘crossdressing’ cross dressing was a danger to one’s health…a ‘health hazard’ Now at the time most Hebees were boy thing sure of themselves and took no notice of this new law…This went on for some time...Then one day the same bright young spark suggested “Hey chief …why not say that god said it was a sin …what do you think of that?” Well the head man looked at the bright spark and said "Are you married I have a daughter around your marrying age!" [remember back then older men married very young girl…today we would call them paedophiles]
Anyway the head man was overjoyed with the idea [that’s why he wanted this man to marry his daughter they would have many bright sparks that would benefit the tribe no end ] the bright spark took him up on his offer [He too could see the benefits…more goats, sheep, chickens etc plus a crack at being chief one day]
ARE YOU WITH ME SO FAR!
Well the head man called a meeting and said “God’s just left me a message on my stone phone…he said from now on you can wipe crossdressing off your lists of OK things to do!” The crowd went wild “What no more frilly panties and suspenders!” He nodded “I’m afraid so guys…that’s the word of god…not mine!” He had his fingers crossed behind his back and looked over at the bright spark standing in the crowd and gave him a sly ‘it’s working’ wink… Eventually the crowd quieten down then the head man dropped the other bomb shell “Farther more barren woman and men who sleep with men are to be ostracised they are not productive in any beneficial way to our tribe’s survival …and BTW this was also god’s will !”…[The bright spark had also come up with that bright idea too]…
Well the crowd went into ‘mob’ mentality and started to beat up on these they knew were wearing female attire [which was most of them so there was an all out brawl] Known ‘men who slept with men’ also started to go at it… and as for those women who had failed to produce children well they were given the evil eye by all…
By this time I had seen enough I brought my delicate mind back to the future…No stopovers on the way ‘straight’ through…
Well that should brings you up to date with what is happening in our modern world with its ancient beginnings…
Ah one more thing…Now this takes a bit of thinking outside the square for some but in a more positive way I hope…Hum let me see where to begin oh well at the beginning I suppose…Now god was for some a man[or woman] of his/her word and decided to make those who disobeyed his command suffer…Oh BTW that bright spark had a direct line to his god who was coming up with all these bright ideas…Anyway Ok let’s see a show of hands for those of us who have suffer something terrible with this ‘anti crossdressing law which BTW became a holy sin [they the ancients had made their old law/rule book an holy one’ and called it a bible…Now this is where some logic is needed…
Most of us Benjamin’s Syndrome sufferers suffered ‘BEFORE’ we began to crossdress and it was only when we crossdressed[wore the correct clothing to suit our inner being] that we felt good ‘normal’ DO YOU SEE WHERE THIS IS LEADING transsexual women ‘suffered’ whilst wearing men clothes and visa versa…so the logic behind all this madness is our brains were accidentally put into the wrong bodies and god ‘punished’ us for wearing the clothes of the ‘opposite’ sex...get it the...'opposite sex'… ‘EUREKA’ you see it now…it all falls into place…in black and white…
Now not for one minute do I believe in any of the crap I’ve written and neither should you…BUT…It is food for thought isn’t it!!! As for myself the only goddess I believe in is…ME …I’m responsible for all my actions, words and deeds no outside force pulling strings…And YOU should be too...…
And believe it or not I’m A GOOD WHOLESOME LIKEABLE PERSON...Just like YOU….Well maybe with a slightly more warped sense of humour…and just a little stretching of my imagination at times …Have mind will travel
PS… Well some of what I wrote might have some element of truth/fact to it…It’s up to you to decide…Have a nice night day and week….and remember to be HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY for life is what YOU make it!!!!
Metta Jendar
PPS I just corrected some errors no doubt there are plenty more but hey no ones perfect....not even me!
Life In A Nut Shell Or Chrysalis
Posted by Jendar, Dec 21 2007, 01:07 AM
LIKE A BUTTERFLY
[My life in a nut shell or chrysalis-that being the 'case']
My background is in urban entomology-the study of insects [a branch of biology/zoology] and I would like to share a little of this with you readers if you're interested...
In the insect kingdom when referring to their life cycle the term ‘metamorphosis which means gradual change is often used…When the larvae of butterflies and moths spin their protective chrysalids/cocoons weird things start to happen inside-They start to release chemicals which break down the structure of their larval body then other chemicals along with hormones start to reconstruct a new body form-different mouth parts sets of wings and three distinct segmented body parts –head thorax and abdomen.
Once the new body is complete and the conditions are right they ‘struggle’ free of their chrysalis/cocoon unfold their wings [which act like solar panels absorbing the sun’s warm rays] and take to the air to a new life of freedom …This type of life cycle is called a ‘complete’ metamorphosis…If environmental conditions are not right they might stay dormant for a while...However if there a breakdown of communication between cells, chemicals and hormones, plus if the chrysalis /cocoon is lacking good ventilation -sadly they will not complete their metamorphosis instead they will shrivel up and die within…Sadly that's life!
Well back in the mid nineties I was trapped inside my chrysalis -one that had taken me many years to spin I made it using a mixture of family, friends, lies, deceit, self hate[you know-the usual] and I secured it with a big blob of denial…Once it was built I stayed dormant for quite some time-fortunately it ‘was’ well ventilated…One day I managed to obtain the hormones and other chemicals [in the form of counselling] that I needed to complete my metamorphosis and when the conditions were right ‘2000’ [after ‘struggling’ with lack of inner strength- ‘confidence’] with the help of hormones I finally had the courage and strength to break free, soaked up the sun’s warm rays and took to the air…Over time my old organic chrysalis has all but dissolved leaving little if any painful reminder of my past struggle….
Sadly it seems some trans-people have sealed their chrysalids/cocoon so air tight with denial that they can hardly breath and their dreams of freedom might shrivel and die within… Other’s may choose an 'incomplete' metamorphosis where no chrysalis or cocoon is needed-for the most part not much changes in their adult lives [long term ‘occasional’ cross dressing]..Such is life’s choice-when given one!…
After thought!
Basic entomology can be interesting and fun,
But finding out how some creatures live is not for everyone.
Some people have a phobia about things that creep and crawl,
But if they took time out to study them-they would have no fear at all!
I hope you have enjoyed one of life's lessons...
I also hope this blog is sharp enough to gently pierce the chrysalids/cocoons of willing pre transition transsexual people creating ventilation holes and if hormones are the path they choose to be on to their ‘complete’ metamorphic dreams …I hope they obtain them both…
By the way I was thinking of calling in...But I gather you might be popping 'OUT'
Season’s greetings and all the other stuff that goes with it!
Metta Jendar
The Best Of Both Worlds Short Sci-fi Story
Posted by Jendar, Nov 27 2007, 12:24 AM
I’m streeeeeeeetching my imagination a bit…so bear with me…here goes
THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS
Synopsis;
Acceptance of the medical condition known as Benjamin’s Syndrome [BS] had been established worldwide back in the late 1990’s early 2000…Up until 2020 painful surgery and on going hormone treatment was the only recognized cure…Because BS was now fully acknowledged as a congenital condition the civilized world took it in their stride-parents not only accepted their child’s condition but totally supported their decision to have their birth defect corrected…However the United Nations Medical Council after many years of research had recommended ‘Genderisation’ should only take place once the gender dysphoric person reaches the age of 18 or over allowing time for the brain to fully develop however they were allowed to express their true gender identity within reasonable limits i.e., unisex clothing and work in gender specific jobs so as not to greatly disrupt society at large…Delphi Dempsey and Jack Otara were about to experience ‘the best of both worlds.’
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Jack Otara finished filling out the form-Date of Birth-19th of March 2019…Today’s date 21st September 2037. Even though he had been waiting for this day for a long time, he was still nervous with excitement .He handed the plastic form and laser pen back to the receptionist who scanned the form through the ID machine a green light flashed…The receptionist smiled and said “OK thanks…please take a seat-Dr Munro Spencer Tamaki will see you shortly” Jack with hips swiveling from side to side walked slowly back to his seat…Delphi sat slouched in her chair watching Jack as he returned thinking to herself “Wow how feminine Jack looks and behaves.” Jack sat down crossed his legs and picked up a electronic women’s magazine from the coffee table and started to press the page buttons, quickly flicking through the pages on the screen…all the while peripherally scanning Delphi and thinking “Wow she’s so masculine.” They had met six months earlier at the government run ‘matching centre’…
Delphi Dempsey was 5ft 4 medium build, short blond hair, and green eyes with sharp but attractive feminine facial features. There was a strong masculine air about her-she wore a pair of dark blue baggy jeans and light blue T shirt with ‘BLENDED’ printed in pink on both front and back-on her feet she wore a brown leather pair of industrial style work shoes-she didn’t wear make-up…Jack on the other hand was smartly dressed bottle green jean pants with matching bottle green sandal shoe with crisscross leather straps the type that showed bare skin but toes enclosed-he wore a dark pink shirt with light pink flowers on each side just above the breast pockets…He was slim build 5ft 10-dark brown shoulder length hair-brown eyes set in a somewhat androgynous face…
The ‘Matching Centre’ where they had first met is where gender dysphoric people go to find a match for the government funded ‘Genderisation’ Process…Delphi and Jack were Aotearoan…The Aotearoan government was the first in the world to adopt this process which allows gender dysphoric people to swap bodies…In the past people suffering from extreme gender dysphoria would have to have a painful and bloody surgical procedure after which they bodies were continually pumped full of synthetic hormones…Nowadays thanks to Dr Munro Spencer-Tamati a government scientist- inventor of the genderising machine-it was just a simple flick of a switch procedure
After they had been ‘matched’ at the centre they had spent a month and half at the ‘Familiarization centre’ The FC. The FC was set up like a motel where candidate lived together 24/7…This was a time when they got to study each others bodies becoming familiar with every possible detail moles scars blemishes etc by the time they left the FC they knew each others bodies inside out like a second skin…The next three months was Assimilation Processing the AP-this was where they had to interact with each others families, friends, work colleagues and local communities…For the three months they lived together spending six weeks with each family…The Acceptance Finalization Process the AFP-the final one and half months, was to allow their family, friends, work colleagues and local communities time to accept the new look genderised processed person’s physical appearance.
For the duration of the six month period a government certified 'Transfer Assimilation Monitor Agent' - a TAMA was assigned to both Delphi and Jack. It was the TAMA’s job to assist and assess their compatibility and ability to cope with the change…In the old days the TAMA’s were known as ‘gatekeepers’…Delphi’s TAMA was called Simon-Simon was Aotearoan born, 6foot tall, skinny build short cropped brown hair gentle blue friendly eyes…He was in his late forties-he was good at his job…He had spent over twenty odd years in a private practice and was co founder of ‘gender blenders’ an organization of psychotherapists who specialized in ‘match making’…
Jack’s TAMA was Jemma-She was in her early thirties plump rosy cheeks 5ft 2 black hair grey eyes she spoke Aotearoan English with a Irish state accent she was born in the Irish state of the European union…Jemma had been a TAMA for ten years-two years in Europe where she did her training and eight years in Aotearoa…She also was very good at her job…After each day Jemma and Simon would swap assessment notes via their mobile video phone links
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From the outside the ‘Transit Lounge’ looked like any other government building-tinted glass walls and entrance doors the type in which one could see out but not in. The Lounge was spacious with big bright coloured comfortable chairs a couple of coffee tables situated close to the chairs. The internal walls were pink and light blue-there was a big tropical fish tank built into the centre wall dividing the Lounge form the treatment room but some how one could not see through the glass fish tank into the treatment room but one could see out into the lounge from there. Soothing Fen Shui music was piped throughout the building. On the wall behind the reception desk was a large photo of a couple of primates ‘orangutans’ [‘forest people’ in the Indonesian language]…Written on a plaque under the photo was Amy and Andy and underneath that…was written The first ‘genderised’ couple 2020…Delphi and Jack had read all about the ‘genderisation’ of Amy and Andy and had seen the documentary of their genderising process…
During the six month transfer process Delphi and Jack had gone shopping together
Delphi had bought clothes for Jack and Jack clothes for Delphi-This was all part of the protocol it was funny because one of the assistances in one of the shops had also been through the ‘Transit Lounge’. She didn’t let on to them that she had But she knew exactly what was about to happen-they hadn’t told her, she had just guessed by the way they were behaving when buying the clothes…They had stopped off at the same shop first thing that morning to buy new outfits for each other to take with them to the ‘Lounge’…The shop assistance could tell by the way they were behaving that this was the big day. She was extra nice to them and has they were leaving she smiled and gave each a big hug and kiss on the cheek and said “Have a good day!” Then winked and added “I have a feeling you both will!” Delphi and Jack grinned and nodded their heads…both lost for words
Dr Munro Spencer-Tamati was tall, muscular build, dark brown cropped hair, black eyes and olive skin…Like most Aotearoans his age-fifty three, he was bi-lingual and spoke fluent Maori and English…Dr T as he was known came out of his office carrying both Delphi and Jack’s electronic case notes-he approached Delphi and Jack-smiled and said “Kia Ora…Please follow me!” They stood up and followed Dr T through into the treatment room…
The treatment room was sparsely furnished-a stainless steel table to the right as you entered the through the door then directly in front was a free standing panel in the centre of the room and just past that were two large comfortable looking chairs with funny looking apparatus attached to the tops which looked like the old fashion hair dryers used in hairdressers. The chairs were facing two large screens on the far wall… Wires ran from both Apparatus to the panel in the centre.
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Dr T told them to put their change of clothes into the cubicles behind the chairs. Above the first cubicle was the sign ‘male’ the other ‘female’ Jack placed his bag in the female, Delphi her bag she put in the male …”Please take a seat” Dr T directed Jack to the one on his right and Delphi to his left . He then walked to the stainless steel table and picked up two small drink tumblers filled with a light blue liquid, he gave one to each and said “please drink it slowly”…The blue liquid had a licorice taste to it-after they had finished drinking they sat back and Dr T secured the apparatus over each of their heads…
The Blue liquid worked quickly no sooner did Dr T put the apparatus over their heads their eyes glazed over as if in a trance. Dr T turned to the panel and clicked the blue and pink switch on…Green lights came on on the top of each apparatus and the two screens lit up…Dr T smiled to himself looked at his watch it was 12.40pm and left the treatment room. Heading for his office a cross from the reception area he nodded at the receptionist smiled and said “usual please Ann”…The receptionist nodded and shortly brought him a cup of his favorite earl grey tea and a couple chocolate biscuits to his office.
The apparatus emitted electro-magnetic pulses through their brains causing a form of ‘brain cleansing’ replacing the old memories from one with the new images that flashed a cross the screen of the other. These were images of their past lives captured by government surveillance cameras, family videos and films plus the data from the last six months of assessments and observation footage by the TAMAs. The blue liquid along with the piped Fen Shui music gently opened their minds allowing new digitalized memories to flow in and establish themselves. Delphi’s large hypothalamus shrunk to normal female size whilst the smaller hypothalamus of Jack rapidly grew to normal male size…
Meanwhile their families, friends, work colleagues and communities at large had for the past six months the new digital images piped through their TV set on government channel ‘NGP’ to get them used to the new genderised person’s new look…
At five to one Dr T made his way back to the treatment room
Both Delphi and Jack had smiles on their faces as if sharing a nice dream. Dr T walked to the panel checked the level meter-the arrow indicator showed peek level and clicked off the switches, pink then blue…Jack opened his eyes first and looked a cross at Delphi, a puzzled look appeared on his face then recognition set in and a big smile
replacing the puzzled look…Delphi opened her eyes looked around the room then focused her eyes on Jack and smiled…Dr T lifted the apparatus from their heads…Jack stood up first and held out his hand for Delphi who took it and stood up…Tears filled both sets of eyes as they hugged each other before turning to Dr T and both giving him a kiss on the cheek and a big hug…They entered the cubicles changed into the new clothes…
When they came out of the cubicles Dr T was waiting for them “Ah great! you’re ready…could you please come through to the reception desk and fill out a couple of forms.” He stepped aside and observed them as they walked ahead of him to the reception desk. Delphi walked slowly through the treatment room out to the reception area Jack followed…Delphi’s well oiled girly hips swiveled from side to side as she walked…Jack on the other hand walk more direct with wider masculine strides. Dr T had a proud smile on his face as he thought to himself “Humm, Thanks to me…they are about to experience the best of both worlds!” and so they did!
In many cases what once was thought of as purely ‘science fiction’ as become ‘science fact’ Think about it ‘brain washing’ -‘subliminal persuasion’ are already quite common place...
Such Is Life...short Fiction
Posted by Jendar, Oct 24 2007, 12:10 AM
SUCH IS LIFE A story not to burden one with deep thought ...just provoking ‘wishful’ thinking…in a daydreamy kind of way. Enjoy !
Lisha Jones sat lotus position on freshly cut grass, her eyes half closed looking out to sea-the sun’s warmth floating upon a gentle summer sea breeze. All was in harmony- yin and yang in perfect balance. The gentle ripples upon the ocean’s surface and the slow transformation of fluffy white clouds crossing the light blue sky-made visible the chi energy that surrounds all things. She often shared in the peace that life had to offer.
Lisha was in her early twenties-the only child of a part Aboriginal mother Ruth whose mother was Irish and father an Aboriginal from the Northern Territories and her father Alan of Welsh descent –whose parents migrated to Australia when he was just two. She had long dark brown hair with sun kissed golden tips, olive skin that tanned easily, her build was slim and five-five in height. Her eyes were deep almond and cheek bones a genetic girl would die for. Because of her age and pre-emptive androgynous appearance hormone therapy had only needed to work small wonders –not miracles in order for her to slip comfortably into main stream society in her affirmed gender.
Three years ago shortly after her surgery-which she had in Thailand, she had moved from Sydney to the small coastal village of Suttlemere in Cornwall southern England to start a new life…the only ties she wanted were those of her parents who had supported her throughout her years of living in a confused state of gender limbo. They also paid for her surgery.
The letter lay on the grass beside her-it was from an old school friend Genoa Hutchinson. Genoa had been her best friend at Homebush high. There seemed to be a mystical force that drew them together. Perhaps it was to do with his open bisexuality, all the girls loved him and…so did some of the boys. He was very handsome, slim athletic build with golden tan, tight blond curly hair and penetrating blue eyes, he stood five foot ten broad shoulders. His mother Rosa was a blond blue eyed Italian from Northern Italy close to the Austrian boarder. She had named Genoa after the Italian sea port city she had lived in before leaving Italy for Australia. Genoa’s father Steve was of true Anglo Saxon stock his parents migrated from Cornwall to Australia shortly before conceiving him.
Genoa’s letter came as a shock. Lisha had forgotten all about him and her parent’s phone call...it had been ten months. The letter had been addressed to L Jones 17 Tuttlebury drive Suttlemere Cornwall UK. The postage stamp was Italian. For some reason Geno [as his parents and friends called him] always called her L never by her real name which at the time was Lester. He had gotten her address from her parents.
Geno had been very close to Lisha’s parents often spending weekends at her house. Her parents had kept their promise and had not told anybody of Lisha’s new life including Geno, but when Geno popped in unexpectedly and because of how close he and Lisha had been, when he asked for Lisha’s address they gave it to him, they then rang her to let her know of Geno’s visit He had stopped in Sydney for a month before beginning his overland trip to Europe.
A year before they finished high school Geno along with his parents had moved to Auckland New Zealand, his father was an electrical engineer and had been offered a managers job with a big EG company, his mother was a drama teacher she too had found a good position at a private school on the outskirts of Auckland. And now the letter along with a contact mobile phone number had just arrived first post that morning.
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She closed her eyes and pictured Geno’s smiling face and penetrating blue eyes then was suddenly brought back to earth…What if Geno didn’t accept her…what if he made a scene disclosing her past to the friends she had made in the village…and how about Lucy her flat mate…how would she feel ? The peace she had just felt had dissolved completely. She knew that Geno was open and accepting of sexual differences…after all he was openly bi and had been for years. But how would he cope with her new gender identity? She remembered one weekend watching a documentary with him, it was about the Fa’afine of Samoan and Geno had laughed and cracked jokes like “How to meet a new woman…just wait outside a sex change clinic!” She would have liked to have told him about how she felt but his joking about something so close to her heart made it impossible for her to be so open. And now he wanted to come visit- his letter said he would be in the UK in two weeks.
Lisha thoughts were irrational, fully of what ifs-she thought of the possibility of moving on finding a job in another village and making new friends…but two weeks didn’t leave her much time and how would she explain her sudden departure especially now that she had been made manager of ‘Slick and Breeze’s’ sea food restaurant and takeaway. in Summerset-an half hours drive from Suttlemere…Little did she know…Lucy her flat mate would turn out to be her life saver.
She got up and slowly walked to her car the weight of the world seemed to rest upon her slender shoulders. When she arrived home Lucy was sitting on the front veranda drinking a cup of coffee it was 9am. Lucy was originally from the Dominican Republic Spanish father and Afro Caribbean mother she had long dark dreadlocked hair oval shaped face and big black welcoming eyes. Her skin was the colour of the milk coffee she was drinking, she was tall around five eight, slim build but very curvy-and spoke with a slight Spanish accent. She looked up as Lisha’s car pulled into the driveway…”Buenos dias’ Lisha” Lucy had a big grin on her face. Lisha smiled back “Hola Lucy…Como estas?” “Buenos…I just had the strangest of phone calls from a guy called Geno-he was looking for a Lester Jones!” Lucy’s perfect white teeth sparkled in the bright sunshine as her smile spread across her face “I told him there was no Lester living here but he insisted there was and he had gotten his phone number from Lester’s parents Ruth and Alan who live in Sydney.” Lisha’ heart was beating rapidly her palms were sweaty her parents didn’t mention giving him her phone number…”What happened then?” Lisha slumped into the seat opposite Lucy. Lucy took another sip from her cup “I told him he must have the wrong number and somehow had gotten his wires cross and hung up.”
Relief showed on Lisha’s face and Lucy could see this “Are you alright? It looked like you had seen a ghost” Lisha managed a smile “No I ‘m ok…I’ve just got a bit of a headache.” Lucy knew she was lying…in the two and half years they had flatted together Lisha had never had a headache or ever spoke of having one. Lucy had often wondered why Lisha would quickly change the subject when Lucy brought up the topic of school and old school friends in fact Lucy knew nothing of Lisha’s past…only that she was born in Sydney and the only child. Lucy on the other hand came from a big family with four brothers and two sisters…one brother Pedro who Lisha had met when he was over for a holiday six months ago.
Because Geno knew Lisha’s address he was bound to pay a visit to see for himself.
He would never take no for an answer…
Fortunately it was their weekend off, they both worked at Slick and Breeze’s and shared the same shifts. For the rest of the day Lisha was unusually quiet and instead of their usual Saturday night at the ‘Duck’s head’ the village night spot-the local pub Lisha had an early night saying she didn’t feel too good. Lucy also stayed home and watched TV. That night Lisha’s mind raced ‘what if this...what if that’ was playing over and over in her mind.
The next morning as Lisha lay wide awake on her bed she could hear Lucy in the kitchen making coffee and breakfast. Around three o’clock that morning Lisha had made up her mind she was going to tell Lucy about her past…If Lucy felt uncomfortable she would move out that day and stay in a hotel till she could find another place. As she was getting dressed she could hear music and singing “Get up stand stand up stand up for your rights!” coming from the cd player’s speakers in the lounge. As she entered the lounge Lucy was dancing to the reggae beat and sound of Bob Marley-coffee mug in one hand and spliff burning slowly in the other…The ganja smoke and smell filled the room. When Lucy saw Lisha she smiled and handed her the spliff...Lisha took a long drag and handed it back then moved across the room and sat on the sofa by the window. “Lucy I’ve got something important to tell you”. Lucy stopped dancing and sat down next to Lisha slowly nodding her head and tapping her foot to the music. There was a fresh pot of coffee on the coffee table Lucy leaned across and poured some coffee into Lisha’s mug sitting next to the TV guide and the remote.
Lisha thanked Lucy and turned to face her with tears in her eyes “Lucy there are reasons as to why I have not told you anything about my past-But first I should let you know I do know the guy Geno that rang I went to school with him he is or was a close friend” Lucy stopped nodding her head and interest and concern started to show on her face. “But…” Lucy didn’t have time to finish her sentence Lisha continued “When Geno knew me I was ‘Lester’-he has never met Lisha…He doesn’t know Lisha exists” At first Lucy’s face looked drawn then a big grin started to spread across it. “ Lisha Lester…Pedro Petra well I never would have guessed it…My brother Pedro and you have a lot in common” Now it was Lisha’s turn to look confused. “ Pedro my brother use to be my kid sister Petra…I use to have three brothers and three sisters…that was until Pedro turned eighteen and had gender affirming surgery in Trinidad Colorado ” All of a sudden the sound of Lou Reed’s ‘Walk on the wild side’ started to play…They looked at each other and burst out laughing Lucy grabbed Lisha’s hand pulled her up and started dancing around the room singing “ And the coloured girls go do di do di do di dooooo...Hey babe take a walk on the wild side” They both fell back onto the sofa in fits of uncontrollable laughter.
When they finally stopped laughing Lisha looked at Lucy hugged her and said “You really don’t mind?” Lucy kissed her on the cheek and said “What’s there to mind! We have both shared very deep secrets…which bonds and frees us at the same time…I can’t wait to tell Pedro…Did I tell you he’s moving to the UK next month!” Lisha felt as if her world had turned a brighter and somewhat lighter shades of happiness-Pedro Lucy’s brother was like her-he had also suffered from Benjamin’s Syndrome. Lisha not only had Lucy has her best friend but Lucy could relate to what Lisha had been through…
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Lisha began to tell Lucy all about her life and Geno. Lucy especially after hearing about Geno’s open bisexuality thought he would accept Lisha with open arms. Lisha explained to her that her relationship with Geno was not sexual, they just enjoyed each others company, however at times they did kiss each other but it didn’t lead to sex. It was lunch time plus two pots of coffee by the time they had finished chatting-the stony feeling had well and truly worn off…It was then that Lisha remembered the mobile number Geno had put in his letter. Earlier Lucy had said ‘what has she got to lose’? If Geno didn’t like her then nothing was lost-he could go on his way and Lisha could get on with her life.
His letter was on her bedside table next to her pink mobile phone. She took the letter out of the envelope picked up the mobile and dialed the number at the bottom of the page next to the big heart and XXX-the trade mark his put on all the letters and post cards he had sent when living in New Zealand. Somebody answered…”Pronto!” It was Geno’s voice. “Hi Geno its L…how are you?”
They spoke for an hour it was only when the batteries were on the blink that they said their goodbyes…Geno had a change of plans he was going to start work in Devon on Thursday and was on his way to the airport when she rang. He was catching the two thirty flight from Rome to Gatwick, his plan was to hire a car and drive down to Cornwall stopping overnight at a relatives’ place in Bristol... Lisha went back out into the lounge Lucy had just lit up another spliff took a deep drag and past it to Lisha…”He’s coming tomorrow, will be here around lunch time.” Lisha took a quick drag and past it back. Lucy closed her eyes and lay back on the sofa. “Did you tell him?” .Lisha shook her head “No…I just said he might be surprised when he sees me.” Lucy opened her eyes grinned and said “Surprised! That would be an understatement!”
The sun was shinning, clear blue skies, Lisha decided to go to the beach “You coming?” Lucy shook her head “I might see you there later.” Lisha walked to the beach, passing the Duck’s Head she said hi to a couple of the locals sitting in the beer garden. They smiled back and waved. “Beautiful day isn’t it love?” said Ben in a strong yokel accent. Ben was the local boat builder he had once told Lisha and Lucy that his ancestors were smugglers and pirates…Which was hardly surprising…most locals spun the same tale. The beach was quiet just a few people –tourists paddling in the water. Lisha found what she called her meditation rock unlike the place she was at the day before this place was truly special…The rock was in the shape of a throne with back and arm rests and a smooth surface on which to sit.
She had sat there for around two hours when low and behold Lucy appeared out of nowhere and… with Geno. When Geno saw Lisha a big grin appeared on his face…She stood up not really knowing what to do next…that was until Geno rushed forward took her in his arms lifting her into the air he gave her a big kiss on the lips…he put her back down stood back looked and nodding his head said “ I caught a connecting flight from Gatwick to Summerset …Wow L what can I say…you look stunning…a sight for sore eyes !” He then winked and in mocked sadness said “Sorry to hear about your brother Lester I’ll miss him…but as they say…Life goes on.”
The rest of the afternoon Lisha, Geno and Lucy sat in the lotus position eyes half closed a smile on each of their faces as they looked out to sea... The sun’s warmth floating upon a gentle summer’s sea breeze. Life today was just perfect…For some people life is just like that gentle summer sea breeze…Such is life!
SOMETIMES DREAMS DO COME TRUE...
Over The Egde Short Fiction Story
Posted by Jendar, Sep 26 2007, 04:48 PM
I wrote this along with my other fictional stories about gender and sexuality published earlier on the blog but forgot to publish it with them. The tutor at the creative writting class said I should add to it...make it longer but I have not got around to doing it just yet.
BENJAMIN'S SYNDROME IS NOT A PSYCHOLOGICAL DISORDER BUT DUE TO SOCIAL PRESSURE TO CONFORM AND THE SOCIAL STIGMA ATTACHED-SADLY SOME SUFFERERS CAN BECOME MENTALLY UNBALANCED !
OVER THE EDGE
Dr Ludwig Gunterfelt smiled as Damian Mantis enter his office He extended his hand in the submissive position Damian shook it. “Take a seat” he gestured towards the seating by the French windows “Would you like a drink .tea coffee?” “No thanks” Damian chose the brown leather double setter sofa.
Dr Gunterfelt was a distinguished looking middle aged man tall with light brown cropped hair and gentle blue eyes he wore a pair of gold rimmed half glasses and had a well groomed goatee beard. It was the case study notes on Damian that intrigued him. In ten years of practice he had never come across such a compelling schizoid condition. Damian presented Dr Gunterfelt with a challenge and he liked to be challenged.
Settling into a black soft leather armchair that creaked as he sat down Dr Gunterfelt with cross legs hands folded resting on his lap in a relaxed manner faced Damian across a dark brown oak coffee table on which his note pad, pen, Dictaphone and Damian’s notes sat. ‘Well Damian your notes tell me you have been under extreme pressure to obey your inner voices…is that true?” Damian fidgeted in his seat. “ I’ve only followed through with some of what I’ve been told to do” “Tell me Damian” Dr Gunterfelt leaned slightly forward “who do you think is telling you to do things, whose behind the voices” Damian frowned “ Isn’t it obvious, god, god tells me to do things.” Dr G added “Is god’s voice male or female” Damian answered “male”
Damian was in his late twenties slight build dark brown longish hair just below his shirt collar, his appearance was somewhat androgynous his mannerism and behaviour effeminate in manner. He was not what one would call a threat to society; society was more of a threat to him. He was having psychotherapy because of his disturbing habit of standing on street corners with a placard draped over his shoulders which read ‘Love the sinner but not the sin’ This all came about when Damian joined a fundamentalist church group. He was lead to believed the more he opposed his affliction in a public way the less the internal struggle.
“Has god spoken to you this morning Damian?” ask Dr Gunterfelt scribbling something down on the note pad “ He speaks to me all the time” “Can you tell me what god thinks of you being here with me?” . “God feels it is unnecessary. He told me I’m not the one with the problem” “What do you mean by that Damian?” “ God said all people hear him but most refuse to listen to what he as to say” “Is that a good or bad thing Damian?” Damian managed a smile “That would depend on what god asked you to do.”
He began to fidget even more and started to unbutton the top button of his denim shirt. “Is this room too warm for you Damian I can adjust the air-conditioning if you like?” Dr Gunterfelt stood up and cross the room to the air-conditioning control panel on the wall. Damian’s grey eyes followed him across the room, his wet tongue ran slowly a cross his chapped cracked lips. .“Is that better?” Damian nodded “Much better thanks”
Dr Gunterfelt returned to his black leather armchair and sat down with the ceremonial creaking sound. “Damian are you in a relationship with anyone at the moment?” Damian blushed “ No! I’m not interested in forming one.” Dr G smiled “ Have you ever been in a long term relationship?” Damian looked puzzled “What’s that have to do with anything?” Dr G shrugged his shoulders “I was just wondering if god would allow you to have one that’s all.” Dr Gunterfelt’s body language matched the non importance attached to his question.
Damian looked down at the light brown coffee stain on the dark grey shag pile carpet. “The only relationship I want and need is with god” “Damian have you ever felt you were born into the wrong body?” Dr G studied Damian’s body language as he spoke “ I’m not one of them if that’s what you think” said Damian feeling even more uncomfortable. Dr G smiled “I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable Damian, it’s alright if you don’t want to talk about it just yet” Damian stood up “What’s there to talk about…I’m not a sinner I’m not gay. “
At this point Dr Gunterfelt had heard enough it was time to close the session. “Damian I would like to see you next week if that’s ok with you, there are a few things I would like to discuss about your childhood” Damian nodded “OK, if you feel it’s necessary “ Dr G stood up smiled and extended his hand Damian took it .”I’ll have my assistant book you for an hour’s session next Monday”. He walked Damian to the door and nodded to his assistant sitting at her desk.
Closing the office door he walked back to his arm chair finding comfort in its ceremonial creak. He picked up the Dictaphone from the coffee table “Damian Mantis morning session Monday November the 15th 1996. Deep denial stage Classic symptoms of Benjamin’s Syndrome if I ever saw it, but sadly social stigma has penetrated Damian’s inner voice in such a detrimental way it may have pushed her over the edge”.
He put down the Dictaphone and picked up the note pad and pen and looked at what he had scribbled down earlier ‘PSYCHOTIC BELIEF OR GENDER DYSPHORIA’-hallucinations usually involve male voices he then added the following… ‘Internal and external struggle to conform-‘confusion’ ‘.As a species we continue to call ourselves human when in fact throughout our short lives most of us will only experience what it’s like to be half human- people like Damian have to struggle with the complex nature that comes from feeling whole. Then in capital letters he added ‘DIMORPHISM’ followed by psychological curse or biological burden !
He stopped writing put the pen and note pad back on the coffee table and picked up the Dictaphone stood up and walked to the French windows behind the brown leather double sitter sofa and gazed out at the human halves interacting with each other on the street below…”Poor Damian,” he sighed as he activated the Dictaphone “What began as a congenital medical condition that could easily have been corrected by surgery has...thanks to social ignorance become a psychological disorder… I hope it’s not too late!”
The folowing paragraph was as far as I got with adding to my story.
Dr Gunterfelt left work early that day and called into the Institute of Sexual Health and Identity, a couple of blocks away from his office. Marge the receptionist was at her desk “Dr Gt what can we do for you today” Marge and Dr G knew each other, they had work together a couple of years ago when Dr G work full time at the institute .
How To Spot A Narcissist
Posted by Jendar, Sep 25 2007, 02:10 AM
HOW TO SPOT A NARCISSIST 
It’s said some conceited people are narcissistic to the core,
and love being centre of attention-demanding more and more!
“You look lovely you look beautiful” to their reflection every day!
They constantly seek admiration…pushing others out the way.
How do I look does this suit me-is my bum too big in this?
as they step closer to the mirror to give themselves a kiss.
Hey! look at me don’t I look great…I’m beautiful, I’m hot
and when they spot a camera they must be in the shot.
Now to love ones self isn’t bad…in fact it’s really good.
it boosts ones self esteem and sometimes I think we should.
But narcissists only love themselves and expect others to love them too.
they never experience empathy when you’re sad and blue.
The nearest thing to empathy is the self pity they possess
when you are feeling sad and blue-they worry more about their dress.
I’m sure you’ve met a narcissist…they are not difficult to pick
they are normally the ones who stand out in a crowd…looking like a d..k!
If you have had a hard day and think a laugh is nigh-I hope this poem puts that twinkle in your eye 
Metta Jendar
Who Am I
Posted by Jendar, Sep 8 2007, 11:32 PM
SECOND PERSON
WHO AM I 
With a mother white as snow and a father dark as night, you turn out milk coffee. Being gender and ethnically dimorphic is a concept mere single raced-gender-contented mortals will never fathom. You are not one but two or you’re neither.
Growing up being a ‘colour-different-obvious’ child, your gender identity took a back seat
School was challenging, which side of the racial fence do you sit, black white? choice would be a good thing…no such luck. You often sat alone in the grey cool shade In primary school you feel hurt when told to draw the person siting next to you, when other children choose the pink or white crayon your partner picks a brown one when asked by the teacher why she picked the brown crayon ‘simple’ to her your skin looked dirty.
Life can be full of dimorphic complications; when asked what country you're from you say England you can see they are struggling, kinky hair, brown skin, but English accent, you then save their day, Jamaican father, English mother, born in London, relief shows on their face.
Filling out census forms…ethnicity ? you tick ‘other’ and write Afro Saxon….what! Yes!.... Afro Saxon-father Afro Caribbean Jamaican black, mother- Anglo Saxon English white, it’s quite obvious to you but not to them. It’s different from being half Jewish or half Irish-they have a choice as to what part they want to display. You have never had that luxury.Throughout your life you have never had a race to call home.
When trying to be polite people have referred to you as half caste-mix raced-doubled cultured-coloured but behind your back it’s a different story, darkie, coon, gollywog and the ‘N’ word. Even the term coloured does not quite fit the bill, people who are of full African blood are also called coloured and your DNA glass is only half full
Besides white people are more coloured that coloured people; when they are sick they are gray or off white, when they are sad or cold they are blue, when angry with rage they are red, when annoyed they are browned off , when envious of others they are green. You smile when someone calls you coloured .
And now you find yourself with a new PC term ‘ethnically ambivalent’, you like it because there’s a kind of certainty that come from being uncertain.
But your gender dimorphic state is no longer ambivalent. Mere single gendered mortals have no concept of what it really feels like being ‘human’ they will only experience one side of humanity ie, either male or female. You smile …because you have lived both…you feel whole! 
on Visualisation In A Nutshell!