It's Time!
Posted by A Girl, Today, 10:16 PM
I am having my bottom surgery done Tuesday December 1st, just 11 days away. Yikes! Found out 2 weeks ago this past Tuesday. Woke up in the morning saying to myself "maybe the call will come today" and late morning it did. Whirlwind of activity after that call. Just a few things left to do before I leave. Already got approval to take a couple of months off from work, though I may go back sooner or take longer, just have to see how recovery goes. I know one girl who was back at her job in just 3 weeks and said she only had some mild discomfort left, but not enough to keep her from her office job. Eight weeks is the recommended time my surgeon has told me, if you are able to. It will be challenging for sure. The psychological adjustment that is coming I can already start to sense the scope of. Have had the expected moments of anxiety and a deep look into myself again and it is time. Looking foreword to just getting it done, healed enough to travel safely, and getting back home to recover and see my friends. I am so excited! (and a wee bit scared).
Its been almost a month since my last facial surgery and I am not quite fully healed, but almost. No feeling in most my face and neck still. It should come back, but no guarantees in any of this kind of stuff. I can live with it if I have to. I really like how it is turning out. Worth all the pain and all the money it cost. It really makes what was done last January in Spain pop so much. An entire new face and I am so happy with the way I look. No more looking in the mirror and hating what I see. I did have about a week or so of depression about 3 weeks out from this surgery, but it is something that they tell you is very common after this kind of surgery, but it has passed and I feel so good. My confidence is so good now, wherever I go people just see a female. I went to four different garages yesterday to look for tires to buy so my car would past inspection and no one treated me as anything other than female and in fact tried to play me for just some dumb chick at ore place. It was so funny, since this chick in her previous life was pretty comfortable with busting down her own tires and taking engines apart and putting them back together perfectly. I just played along though and said I would have to think about it and left. Now that was a confidence boost. Nice to see stereotyping is alive and well, but in this case it was validating 
. When all of this stuff is done I am going to have to find my center, probably something that will just kinda happen as I live my life.
I read an article in the paper a couple of Sundays ago, that said research shows no matter how great and wonderful or not an event happens to one, approximately 6 months after people drift back to the frame of thinking that they had before. That actually happened to me few months ago I think. I caught myself seeming to fall back to the outlook I had before transition and all my surgery. Scared me and it was a wake up call to me. I have not come all this way to drift back to the numbness and sadness I felt before. So I made an attitude adjustment and I am back to looking forward to every morning and to continue building the new and better me.
Time to get ready for some sleep, got a super busy weekend and week ahead of me. On top of my list is buying and giving out Christmas cards to all my friends just in case things don't turn out as expected. Surgery is surgery and sometimes it just does not go well, "Pays your monies and yous takes your chances". K, sleep time.
Sarah Ann
Another Part Of Me
Posted by A Girl, Oct 24 2009, 11:02 PM
The lower third of my face and my neck was done 3 days ago on the 21st. It was 3 hours long and it is to bring the lower 1/3rd of my face in to harmony with the upper 2/3rds done in Jan. Everybody was super nice to me at the facility. It has been 3 days of hell with the pain and swelling. Vomited twice from the anti-biotics, sinks still clogged, cause I was too ill and weak to do anything about it. I'm a little better today, but I tire easily. Head is bandaged up like a war victim's. Been sleeping on the couch as I need to keep my head and neck vertical for a week and it is easier to prop myself up on the couch. I opted to remove my own drains instead of having to go to the surgeons office. I felt that physically weak to travel anywhere. There were 2 drains and each had 4 inches of tubing embedded in my neck. I will never forget the experience of removing them. It burned like hell and I bled quite a bit from the left side of my neck, the right side not as much. A friend was suppose to do it, but she was too sick to come over. The pain was new and different. So many kinds of pain. Just got all the feeling back in my face from my ffs and now most of it is gone again. Anyway, I am already pleased with what I see, even though I'm very swollen and bruised and will be for a week or two yet. 3-6 weeks for recovery and 6 months to see the final results. My former face is now gone and I am glad, it was a males face, not mine.
I have the opportunity to have my grs done Nov 8th, someone canceled. It is pushing it, as I will still be healing from my facial surgery. Still, if my doctors say I can survive it, I am going. Wow. I have thought of this every day since I found out as a teenager that grs could be done. Have played it out countless times in my head. I am no stranger to the OR so it is easy to envision it. Thank god I've always had a healthy, strong body, 'cause I am putting it through it's paces this year. Some day I will post some surgery pix. Not pretty pictures at all. Trying to keep a journal of my feelings day to day of this whole thing. Like looking back at what I have gone through, all the pain, the emotions, fears, happiness, and stuff.
K, time to ice and rest.
A very beat up,
Sarah Ann
I'm Officially Approved!!!
Posted by A Girl, Oct 10 2009, 07:11 PM
I never expected this to happen so fast. Thursday just 24 hours before I was all hyped over knowing a decision was coming and wondering how I was going to get through the next 2-4 weeks waiting for it. Then yesterday (Friday) just before 5 PM my phone rang. I almost let it go to voice mail 'cause it was so late, but then I thought I better take it (my conscience you know). When I picked up and heard it was my case manger from the ins company I thought she must need more information, that something was missing. She just said "I have some news I thought you might like to hear before the weekend ...). I was so caught off guard, it was a total surprise of the best kind. I could not stop thanking her and telling her in a multitude of ways how wonderful this news was and how I have waited for it so long. Everyone was gone from my dept except my friend Jen and raced off to find her and tell her the news. She was floored, excited, and happy. Then I waited for my friend Kristi to show up and told her the news as soon as I saw her come into the office. She was as surprised as i was 'cause just a few days earlier I was so worried about approval and then, just like that it happened!!! Now it is just working out a myriad of details and having everything planned for post-op recovery, all the supplies, food, 1st aid stuff, and books to read. Oh yeah, getting a actual surgery date 
It still hasn't all sunk in and really hit home yet. I have been waiting since childhood for this and there is going to be a huge amount of emotion released when I'm ready to. My one wish is about to fully come true. Wow, look at what has happened in not even a years time. I believe more than ever.
Sarah Ann
Can't Even Eat
Posted by A Girl, Oct 8 2009, 07:17 PMI am so stressed. My case manager from my insurance called me today and she said as soon as the results are in from my urological exam I took yesterday (I passed just not official yet) she will speak with the medical director for a decision on my grs. Holy crap I did not forsee that I would get so hyper crazy stressed by it being so imminent. Safe to say i've never felt like this before. A 100 zillion things are running through my mind telling me i'm doomed, it's got to fail somehow. I'm doing my best to shout it down, but you get the drift. It's like i think being manic/depressive at the same time. I didn't think that was possible!!! Going to have another glass of wine and try to keep from imploding from it all.
Close?
Posted by A Girl, Oct 2 2009, 09:59 PM
Think I'm almost there. My insurance carrier informed that once the results are in from my urology exam, which is next week, they will then make their decision. Unless there is a a problem with the results I am pretty sure it will be their approval. Several individuals were approved in the past month by them. Dr Bowers office informed me that one last week got the approval for surgery with her. So I think it's looking kinda bright for GRS for me in the next couple of months Wow. Just 18 months ago I was so concerned and worried how I was ever going to get where I wanted to go. Just 12 months ago I still had not finished finalizing my plans for ffs and had just come out to my employer just 3 months later I was off to Spain on Jan 1 and the beginning of a new life for me. Now 9 months later here I am about to finalize the details for my "bottom surgery" 
Wow. Before that happens, in 3 weeks I am having surgery on the lower 1/3rd of my faceto complete my ffs . My chin is being reshaped and some lower facial and neck work done to soften my face a bit more and erase what is left of my former face. It will be forever gone then.
How I've gotten through all of this I am not sure, but I have. It seemed so insurmountable not all that long ago. I just never gave up I guess, just always stayed pointed in the right direction. Never let go of my dream or of my belief in the magic of life and all that is around us.
Midsummer I had a period where I seemed to be not moving and kind of just riding the waves. I was almost in a panic after a month plus had come and gone and I still was not moving forward. After a while I started to see that it was ok, I was coming down from the euphoria of my coming out and ffs and I was exhausted from all of it. I needed to rest, I didn't know that, but the universe did. I couldn't keep that same pace and i needed time to come to terms with it all, to fit my new life to me, to become accepting of the pluses and the minuses too. It is different I think from what everyone thinks it will be. It is a lot of adjusting and a lot of realizations are in store for one. Very recently it hit home again how I am no longer a male in anyones eyes. I don't look like one, I don't smell like one, I don't talk like one, I don't walk like one. The males in my world have dismissed me and have relegated me to the female side of the playground the way males do. It's where I always should of been, but when you are suddenly thrust there instead of growing up as such it's a pretty intense moment and then you let go of it and it and just live your new life and let your former life fade. You have to let go of it or you will never fully transition.
I'm done for tonight. Got another stupid sinus infection anyway and I'm really tired out from it and need to get it cleared up so they'll do the surgery. Since my first surgery I've had 3 infections of my sinuses alone and a couple of others as well. "Yous pays your money and yous takes your chances"
I am happier then I have ever been.
Games
Posted by A Girl, Sep 3 2009, 08:46 PM
I just got my letter of review and recommendation by a psych of my therapists diagnosis that is required. All my letters and supporting documents are now in to primary care phys. It is they who must now contact my provider to ask for permission to refer to an out of network provider for GRS. I have both met and exceeded all of their requirements. My therapist tells me that two others have recently received approval from them for surgery, so it looks good. Not overly anxious or anything, it's just a waiting game now. Not thinking too much about it, but visualizing that it is going to be the outcome I have waited for.
My last blog was about the difficulty I have sometimes with seeing myself as I now am. It is not all the time like that. I do squeal with joy when I see myself, but it is difficult to hold that in my mind. Everything (peoples actions, pronouns, language) tells me it is real, but still getting use to that it all is real finally. Most important is that I am finally able to be myself and to express my identity and uniqueness.
Transition is a unique and multi-layered experience. This is going to take a while! 
That is cool, I am in it for the long run, this is end game for me.
Sarah Ann
It's Okay!
Posted by A Girl, Aug 20 2009, 07:40 PM
Six months post-transition and still find myself adjusting to and understanding that I am seen as female. Kinda' crazy, but I guess it harkens back to before all the surgery and the almost 5 years of hormones. Back to when I was always thinking about if I passed or not. Guess it's hard to erase that fear. I never had a bad experiance before FFS and hormones, but always fretted about the worse happening.
I guess it's me who needs to work on accepting it, as it seems the rest of the world already does. You know, I still sometimes catch myself thinking I have to hide my feminine behavior and personality! It has been such an ingrained behavior. Everyday for most of my life I would start each work day by visualy inspecting myself from head to toe to make sure I did not look fem or female in even the slightest way. Seven years of physical abuse for acting like a girl does that. On my own time though, I spent every single moment I could as my myself. So now what I do is say to myself, "You know it's okay to act like a girl now don't you?" Wierd huh? The reality is if I did not act as a member of the female sex is what people would find wierd. I was at an Office Max last week buying a planner and idly talking with the woman behind me in line about the different planners we had each picked out (she owns a beauty salon and was in buying a new planner for her receptionist), when she said to me "You are very beautiful" When I told her I didn't think so she asked increduously "You don't think your beautiful?" and had such a surpised look on her face. Sometimes I think I see it, but it seems to be somewhat true what they say about us not being able to se what everyone else does. When I got back to the office I talked with one of my girlfriends about the expeirance and she was surpised that I could not see it and thought it was sad I could not. I wonder if I will ever let go of that old image. When I look at before and after pictures the change is astounding and my fiends tell me there is nothing left of the former me, but still the difficulty seeing it myself. I hope I can someday just believe it and acccept it. It would be sad to have gone through so much to get here and not be able to see it. I think I will see it and accept it more easily as time goes by.
You couldn't make this stuff up.
Reflections
Posted by A Girl, Jul 24 2009, 11:50 PM
Wow, three more weeks have slipped by since my last entry. Was in a funk for a little while over all the stuff I have to do to get my insurance to pay for my GSR. Got a little overwhelmed by not looking at it as just a series of steps, but as one huge undertaking. I did that with my FFS, stressing over what seemed to be close to impossible, but almost as soon as I started to take it one step at a time everything just started to fall in to place and take on a momentum of its own. That is what is happening now with getting approval for my GRS, it's just all falling into place, now that I am just concentrating on completing one requirement at a time. As soon as I complete one step the next seems to fall into place up on its own. The hardest part was just figuring out where and how to start the process. I am so going to need a vacation when this is all done 
I said a while back it looked like my surgery could happen as soon as August, but I'm thinking October would be the soonest and maybe not 'til 2 or 3 months later. I am almost there, just have to ride it out. If its anything like my FFS went, at some point everything will start to move very, very fast. My therapist once told me that too. That it may seem to take forever to meet all the requirements, but once you do, it will all happen so very fast. I'm patient and sometimes one has to just let the course of things unfold on their own.
Everything is just going great, still just absolutely stupidly smiling all the time. Can not help it, I am just so happy 
I actually squeal with delight when I look in the mirror and see myself.
What a change. Don't remember if I said it before, but though transitioning was scary until I did it, what really is scary is what I would of ended up doing to myself if I had not. I was so unhappy and sad.
A couple of weeks ago, a person said to me it must be strange to look in the mirror and see a completely different face from the one I had. I answered absolutely not. The face I had before was the one that was strange. The face I see now is a reflection of my true spirit. I do not miss my former face at all, not a bit. I will post a pix sometime.
It's hyper late and I need to get some serious sleep. So this chick is out of here!
A Girl's Life
Posted by A Girl, Jul 2 2009, 07:30 PM
Haven't blogged too much lately about what it is like now that I am 24/7. In many ways it is not all that much different from my life before (not a bad thing!). What is different most of all, are my relationships with others, esp women. Women who were close friends before are now closer than ever, women who were at the edge of my friendship circle have moved much closer to me. Relationships with guys I knew, has very surprisingly not changed too much at all. Most are more talkative than they were before and way more polite (holding doors, picking things up for me, talking in a softer voice). I am still sought out by them for advice on things like automotive problems and home repair stuff, all of which I was experienced with, so that is nice, as I have not forgotten those things and absolutely still pound my own nails and turn my own wrenches (just have to swing the hammer a few more times than before) .
I am always viewed as female by friends and strangers alike. Still very much adopting to everything, but falling into my new identity or rather suppressed identity more and more with each passing day and experience. I always used my Xanax sparingly and now even more so. Very rare that I have to take it and only if I can not talk myself down, as I prefer to interact with others naturally, but they still have their place, I would rather take a Xanax than avoid a situation entirely, because of an anxiety attack. The source of most of my anxiety is tied to the years I suffered physical and psychological abuse as a kid. With out my therapist, I could never have done this, simply because of that. Saying she probably saved my life, is not overly dramatic at all.
So life as a girl is pretty much as I hoped it would be, I'm just another girl. Still have issues, but what girl doesn't? ! Still learning how to be comfortable
As the Dead put it; "What a long strange trip it's been" and I'm just starting out!
Sarah Ann
Got Id!
Posted by A Girl, Jun 20 2009, 08:28 PM
Finally got my new license after a long two week wait for it arrive in the mail (very technologically backward DMV). Fearing the worse I opened it and looked at it and was immediately happy when I looked at my pix. It is a really good pix! That has so never happened before. Wow, a drivers license pix that I have no issues with showing! When I got back to work after the weekend I went around showing all my friends and then straight to HR to get my insurance stuff changed over. What is really great is that it has the coveted F where gender is marked. Yay!!!
With my new license I was able to get my named changed at my credit union and on all my financial stuff with them. Should have my new credit and debit cards this week!
All really exciting, but sobering also. Again really makes me think about the seriousness of my transition, how permanent it now is. During the time between my last post and this one, I spent time thinking about if I have done the right thing. The answer is yes. I see it as a sign of a healthy mind to every now and then stop and take a look at ones direction and path. I think many of us at some level. think everything is going to somehow look different once we transition and that is not so. Our future is different, our possibilities are different than before, but it's not like putting on a pair of magic glasses and everything looks different. Now my path is taking a twist and I am spending a lot of time thinking about who I am, of defining what being female is too me. I have a whole new life to define, to shape. Pretty neat and tons more pondering.
My safety net of resorting back to a male identity if things get to scary is gone. I am Sarah Ann now (and I have the papers to prove it)!
I've wanted this since a child, and here it is, all coming true. My very own fairy tale brought to life.
on Another Part Of Me