Sun, 18 Nov 2007 02:17:54 -0800 IP.Blog 60
I have three sisters, I am the second born. I was raised by my mother and my crazy aunts in the ghetto of the San Fransisco Bay Area. (so i thought) Something happen between the time of birth till three. I have no memories of it. But, I feel it in my soul This clump of raw, black emotions wound so tight i carry with me to this day. I hear rumors when one of the parents are piss off or drunk and something slips. I have yet to piece it together at 38 years old. I think i dont want to know.

I used to wear my sister clothes and we played dress up. I remember we used t-shirt wrap around are head and pretended to have long hair. I used to shove towel in my underwear to be smooth down there as a young child of six. Trouble started when i started school i did not fit in.

I used to get beat regular by my mother. I think she said that she wanted all girls. My father was not around due to some drama with my younger sister. My mom used to try to beat my father out of me. She had a lot of bad relationship we had to endured and it seems to trickle down to me. I have scars on my arm today from extension cords.

I remember the porn collection in the bathroom at an early age and the longing to be those girls. My protector's in the 70's as a young child were teenage girls and young adult's. I remember devonna in 1976 and that long denim jacket she offer me kindness at a critical moment in my life. That is probably when i enter the world of daydreams and fantasy. The library was my sanctuary. I read, dreamed and endured. The grass look greener on the other side and i started wishing that i was anybody but me, poor, or the biggie "black". (things were still going on back then).

from star wars till high school i endured.........


Thank GOD for alcohol 1985-1986. It numbed me i was insane from puberty with no one to turn too. I remember complaining about my chest hurting and i was ridicule. I remember being pissoff when my sister's started their rites of passage and i did not get anything. If not for the alcohol i would of have been dead. the emotional and mental anguish i was experiencing with the world was unbearable.

I dreamed of running away at 17 and having a sex change operation. I knew about it about that time. I joined the army reserves and went away for awhile. Came back still lost. I this time i was semi living on my own and would go and take my mom's things when i went to her house to wash my clothes.

I had a studio apartment and i would wear my mom's underthing i took and dream. I always had that shame and fear as i dressed around this period. The show's jerry springer's or cop's did nothing to help my self esteem or acceptance with myself. My substance abuse took off at this time to cope with those emotions and the fear of getting caught. The self hatred that i had grew as the contempt i had for the world.

I met my wife and i remember telling her once the relationship was getting deep my desire. she was ok with it for like two days before she freak out. I told her i would stop. then i started sneaking around. 1994 i was done substance abuse,hiding, baby on the way, and getting lay off from a job. there was an incident that happen in 1992 that was real bad that happen it hurt the relationship and i lost her then. (it was caused by other's). I remember hiding in hotels dressing up (by this time i had forms and everything) I remember being distance from the wife at this time I remember the terrible loneliness. The fear of getting caught pass out drunk happened, she came home early and found me in yellow dress and wigs. Then the landlord caught me. the embarrassment was overwhelming but the desire to dress was more. We moved across country with the promise of me not doing that anymore period. basically i and became a doormat for her. I drank and drank. I remember her telling me the way to her heart was financial security......she got it.....


i drank and dreamed....the urge got worse...distraction of life...drink...urge got worser..drink and dream..the relationship crumble lack of respect.....the urge got worser..and then the best day of my life...15 oct 2003

It all came undone.......I remember that wail from the depth of my souls i cant go on i'm a girl. kidney shut down i got sober. AA 12 step program.. prayed to GOD that the urge to be a girl would go away. it did not. Had to tell sponsor at two years of sobriety what i felt..he work me through the steps..gained self acceptance...he gave me rules to follow..i follow them and realize i wanted to live this.

I remember the TS-girl on the train..I watched her for a week taking grief from people and just ignoring everything. I pretended to be asleep and i watch her from crack lids. at the end of the week the thought "I can do that and take it".. she was not there on monday. I went looking for my kind after that and found my people and community.

I start hormones on 23 july 2007. I still have to transition around three young boys and an ex....that's the challenge i can't run and must stand up to what ever happens. My GOD will provide..."the Lord's Prayer gives me hope.. "give us this day our daily bread" I'm not religious but i do believe in something....


I hid in the bottle for majority of my life. I am three years old basicly. My life is being re-created while i clean up the damage that i cause from being a drunk and being incapable of looking at and accepting myself as transgendered. I tried to live a lie, i tried to live my life base on other's expectation and false perception of what they wanted me to be. I may have been born a boy but i am all girl inside. 070907^

break i hope to finish later.....this is the first time im writing this all in one place.......


two weeks on hormones and i feel ok for the first time in my life. Basicly self absorb with my body trying to listen to it and standing still. It is nice to have a quiet mind and not struggling to......

sept 2007 is here. Hormones are great. I love not getting an male function(anti t blockers are great). Living life a day at a time. it get boring trying to get used to living my life not in crisis mode. Nothing is really going on. Except for me being me and not acting like some one. I prefer the company of girls!!!!!!!

Oh yeah they are starting to notice at work. Got caught with my shirt off. That was real interesting. I did not get the job on the cape. Trust GOD.]]> Wed, 11 Jul 2007 15:42:49 -0700