http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php Fri, 20 Nov 2009 18:33:45 -0800 30 http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/style_images/1/rss.png http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=13540 Sorry about the length. It's ok if you don't finish reading, I just need to get this off of my chest.

Yesterday I had a meeting with my counsellor and up to then he'd been quite careful - as I've been hesitant to admit I'm actually pretty sure about this (and pretended / tried to convince myself I wasn't). But blahdiblah since our last meeting I've more or less come to terms, or something, at least halfway, and I let him know.

Then suddenly we were talking about coming out to my parents. And that opened up a can of worms.
I blame my mother for not having noticed something's different about me. She's completely blind and has this image of me, her little girl, that will never change. She and my dad won't accept my namechange (they don't know it's not meant as unisex but as male) and said I should just let them have that illusion of me being who they think I am.

She will be blown away when/if I tell her I'm transsexual.
While 80% of the people I know would not be surprised to hear I'm gay (which I am, but not in the way they think) - and my colleagues and some people from my old soccer team don't even believe me when I say I'm not - she couldn't even phatom it when I told her about this. That kind of stuff.

Which makes it all the harder to come out to her. That and she's said something very negative about transsexualism (true, she has not a clue, but still. My dad was very timid, just saying he did not understand 'those people,' but she was totally negative. It was a general conversation about the topic).

*back in time*
I was 16 and deeply depressed, I was 17 and eating disordered. I blame her for not forcing me to see the GP or a psychologist either time. She tricked me into the former when my period stayed away but nothing came of it (of course I didn't tell him I was on a ridiculous diet, of course I said I hadn't lost that much weight. She didn't come). She was too afraid of my making a fuss, getting angry, and being a pregnant dog (which I had become at that time) to really do anything. When she found out I'd been fasting 14 days she freaked and threatened with hospitals and such, and again later when I told I'd been binging/purging --- but by then I was 18 so she couldn't really have made me. She could've tried harder, though, demand more than my promise I'd see a psych (which I did - once). But I feel that mostly she looked on as I destroyed myself.
I'm crying just remembering all of this. Dangit.

I blame her for having taught me not to go for things becuase you'll get disappointed (which I'm over now, thank goodness). I blame her for having that pessimistic look on life that I'm still working to shake off. I blame her and my dad for the food-centered life I've lead. I blame her for giving me nothing but a 'see this is how you work with sanitary towels' when I started all that crap. I blame her for all of this having gone on for so long - these returning periods of depression never truly resolved but outlived with a 'come on, it'll be okay'-advice and a hug all she had to offer.

And I feel I'm not being fair. She loves me and has done the best she could. She'd been through a lot of crap with my elder sister (hence the fuss-avoidance, probably), and she herself doesn't come from a family that expressed love with hugs and kisses et cetera. She & my dad have worked and work very hard to provide their kids with material support. She worries, and when I asked her if my psych could call her (about concentration problems she said 'if I can help you of course.'
And she's learned. Me and my sister have taught my dad how to hug, as well.

I still blame her for making it so hard to come out by being so ignorant. By knowing how much she'll worry, and the distress and confusement and embarrassment I'll cause her. I haven't even bought my first binder and this is what I'm worried about most of all - this would be the reason for me to back out.

I'm not being fair but I can't help it.
HOW can you be SO blind, mom?

If you've read all the way through, I applaud you and thank you very much.
]]> Fri, 20 Nov 2009 18:04:35 -0800 http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=13540 http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=13525
In my first session with my therapist, he asked me which sex I'm attracted to now, and which sex I think I'll be attracted to once I'm post-op female, and it was a no-brainer for me. I told him that I'm attracted to girls now, but when I'm "physically" a woman, I'll be attracted to guys. As a male, physically, I can only be with females (believe me, in my search for myself in the last 20-odd years, I've TRIED to be gay several times). But, I feel that when I'm female, I'll be attracted to guys (though there is a small part of me that wants to "Kiss a Girl", as the song goes, when I'm a girl).

He then asked me why I thought this was so. Why I'm heterosexual whether I'm male OR female. I never really thought about why, I just KNOW that it is so. I groped for an answer, which came up to being: "I don't know, maybe hormones; maybe sense of smell; maybe I can't stand having a scruffy cheek while the person laying next to me has the same", and he held up his hand and stopped me there.

He then said, "Do you wanna know why?", and I said, "Yes, PLEASE." The following is pretty much, not verbatim, what he said:

"Nobody knows why it's this way, but there are two different kinds of people. The first kind is attracted to 'objects', and this is just about 50% of all the people in the world. The other kind wants to 'match up', which is the other 50% of the world's population. And the numbers are almost EXACTLY even. The 'object' oriented person doesn't mind, physically, being with another person like him or herself. While the 'match up' kind of person HAS TO BE with the opposite sex, to MATCH UP."

So, as it turns out, I'm of the "match up" 50 percentile, yet (in my own mind) I am a girl, and therefore I MUST change my physical self into a girl, and then match up. Otherwise, I'll never be happy because in all of my past relationships with girls (in this present male body), I WANTED TO BE THE GIRL, but those girls ALSO wanted to be the girl. And since I'm the "match up" type of person, I can't very well just go out and find a guy and be his girl because it repulses me so much to be with my like kind, body-wise.

Yet a person of the "object" focused group can avoid my whole dilemma. If I were of the "object" frame of mind, and I wanted desperately to be a girl, as I DO, I could be a "bottom" in a male-male relationship and be satisfied with my life.

So my only recourse is to actually "become a girl" so that I can be made love to like a girl, by a man.

(I LOVE my therapist.)

XX,
Rachel]]> Fri, 20 Nov 2009 00:44:09 -0800 http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=13525 http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=13509 work when I'm not there asking for me on days I'm off and saying "Oh but he said hes working today". When I didn't - they only say it to not look bad. Its not a huge deal but really, having your aunt or grandmother or whoever else always show up around my work at the wrong times makes me feel like I /am/ still a little kid who they don't think can take care of himself. It also makes me look bad. How long till my boss thinks so lowly of me he fires me? I can't tell my family to get lost either or even in a nice way explain I would rather walk because they get pissy and tell me I don't know what I want/need and that they know better.

Rant over...What I learned from it: can't wait till I move.]]> Thu, 19 Nov 2009 14:44:33 -0800 http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=13509 http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=13505 Even though you don't visit here much anymore.
I know you're going through a hard time, but you know there are tons of angels guiding your flight, there to help you.
Why don't we wish him the best on his 19th. ]]> Thu, 19 Nov 2009 11:52:45 -0800 http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=13505 http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=13503
Well, they're not. From both schools I got a message back saying that it's about talent, and that as long as 'sexual orientation' (which term I take to be misused from lack of knowledge of the right one) doesn't interfere with abilities to act it's not a problem.

So yeah, I'm applying for Scriptwriting at both schools & Acting at Utrecht (spread my chances as selection is tough). Now all I need is talent, hehe.]]> Thu, 19 Nov 2009 09:32:30 -0800 http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=13503