I need to understand why.
Crossdressing FAQs for Wives
by Laura Amato
Q) OK so why does he crossdress? Aren't I enough woman for him?
A) First of all this is not your fault. In fact it really has nothing to do with you, though it will affect you. This has been with him for a lot longer than he's been with you.
Q) So when did he start dressing up?
A) He probably started dressing as a child or in his teens. In a very few cases it can start later.
Q) Why did he start?
A) Probably out of a sense of childlike curiosity. With some, their sisters or a baby sitter may have dressed them up as girls either for fun or punishment. With some it is purely a fantasy. Dressing can relieve the stress involved in living up to the perceived male role model as a tough, problem solver. The slightest deviation from
this role may lead to a feeling of temporary inadequacy. Pretending to be a girl gives a release from male peer pressures. When the dressing is completed the CD feels much calmer and more able to face his role.
Q) Is there sex involved?
A) Yes In the beginning especially as a teenager experimenting with self gratification. Probably less as a crossdresser grows older to being nonexistent by middle age.
Q) We're very close. Why didn't he tell me before we were married?
A) Crossdressing often times slows down as one grows into their twenties. Diminishing to partial dressing or stopping completely in what is called Purging. New loves and relationships make dressing quickly fade into the background and stop completely making the CD even think they are cured. This is most likely when you met.
Q) Why did his dressing come back?
A) In the mid twenties and later socioeconomic pressures start to surface. Children, a mortgage, 2 cars, and education worries can contribute. Probably the biggest factor though is his job. Career matters at work intensify as peers are promoted even including him. Pressures of family life and loosing the newness of a relationship all
contribute. Don't forget that socially at least most men feels the buck stops with them and they often take complete responsibility for many problems.
As the stress builds up he remembers that crossdressing always relieved pressure in the past. Why not now? He dresses and it works, the stress is relieved and so is he.
Q) Is he Gay?
A) No, not usually. They are men at all other times when they are not dressed.
Q) Does he take hormones and want to change his sex?
A) In almost all cases no. In very few instances do men advance unless they are latent Transsexuals. That warrants an entire different set of FAQ's.
Q) Can I make him stop?
A) This is probably the worst thing you can do. Forcing him to stop and purge his feminine side could have disastrous consequences. Most likely he would binge later on with the crossdressing urge even stronger. Besides his pressure will still be there.
Q) So what can I do?
A) Plenty. Compromise is the key from BOTH parties. After all you are hurt and probably shocked. This is a lot to absorb. Realize that neither of you is to blame.
He is terrified right now of loosing you or that you'll tell someone.
Reassure him of your love. You are going to need to give him some time to allow him to spend time at his hobby behind closed doors. Remember, it is a stress reliever for him. If you don't want him to touch your clothing tell him so. He needs to respect that but you will need to help him get his own things. Catalogs work for most if you don't want to shop with him.
He may want to join a crossdressers club where he can dress freely. You should find a support group where you can talk to other wives with your same problem. If you've found a bitter group you are in the wrong place. You need understanding, not militancy.
Q) What do I gain if I let him crossdress?
A) You actually both have much to gain. After so many years in the closet he is finally free to be himself. Benefits are less stress, better health, New found creativity, thoughtfullness and appreciation.
Q) What about my rights?
A) Fortunately there are guidlines for both Wives and Crossdressers. It is called the Bill of Rights for Wives and Crossdressers. Remember these are guidlines. They can be added to or subtracted from. Everything is negotiable.
Q) Ok I've let him be himself now all he wants to do is Crossdress.
A) Many crossdressers are compulsive by nature. Finally free to be himslef new crossdressers often become like kids in a candy store. You may have to nudge him back to reality. Simply state that you miss the man you love. Tell him you'd like to see that man a little more often. If he has trouble have him see a psychiatrist about anti-compulsion prescription drugs.
Q) What are our chances?
A) Very Good actually. It is rare for a marriage to end because of crossdressing. This of course not the case if your husband is really Transsexual