Part TWO.

This meeting in Orlando turned out to be the most critical few hours of my life, looking back on it...

My head was spun around, and my goals and philosophy were changed forever by this event. It LITERALLY put me on the path that has led me to becoming Annie.

FOLLOWING ARE NOTES TAKEN CONTEMPORANEOUSLY WITH AN EVENT THATOCCURRED AT THE ORLANDO HILTON, IN ALTAMONTE SPRINGS, FL. THE OCCASION WAS A CONFERENCE ON SURGICAL PROCEDURES AVAILABLE TO TRANSSEXUALS, HOSTED BY DR SHEILA KIRK, OF PITTSBURGH. IT WAS ALSO MY VERY FIRST PHYSICAL CONTACT WITH THE TS "COMMUNITY".
AS MENTIONED PREVIOUSLY IN MY EDITORIAL, "THE LADDER", I SHOWED UP FOR THIS MEETING =NOT= IN WOMEN'S CLOTHING.... ANY COMMENTS YOU MAY HAVE ARE MOST WELCOME, INDEED!!!

My First Encounter With the "FAMILY"

2:15 PM- I've arrived quite early, it seems. Several of us are
already here; some sit in the lounge area near the bar. Others are
scattered all around the lobby in little groups. I'm sitting alone
on a twin couch, but this is only for the moment. Soon enough, I
shall dive right in and either sink or swim. I'm dressed as Paul,
NOT Annie.

To my right are three MTFs and one FTM transsexual. They chat
familiarly. To my left is a man obviously on vacation. He's wearing
shorts and flip-flops and is currently reading a book stamped USED
along the upper edge. Every so often, I see him sneak a furtive
glance away from his book at the folks all around us. He sits cross-
legged and seems a bit annoyed; his right foot twitches nervously.
He looks at me curiously, and I smile back. Then, he returns to his
book. I can tell that he isn't really reading, as not a single page
has been turned for the LONGEST time.

2:30 PM- I'm ready to hit the diving board...moving closer to the
action...the bar area. There's 10 others here, perhaps more. I don't
yet see my friends Toni and Tiffany, but it IS early. I'm seated at
a table on the very outer edge, sipping a diet soda, and observing
quietly. My note-taking will have to end soon. Gratefully, no one is
paying me any mind.... Drinks are being stirred, cigarettes consumed, positions changed.

2:50 PM- I am most surprised and delighted to see here a woman who literally SAVED my LIFE. Back in February of 1998, I was at the end of my rope. The over-whelming urge to pursue my innate unshakeable TS needs had at LONG LAST gotten the best of me. Looking through the Pompano Beach Yellow Pages for a psychologist, one ad in particular caught my eye. The lady claimed "gender dysphoria" as one of her specialties. I called, made an appointment and presented my story so CONVINCINGLY that she
gave me a referral to a doctor immediately. The very next day, I was officially on HRT, after a lifetime of sneaky self-medicating. I
have been SO MUCH the better ever since. That compassionate woman is here RIGHT NOW! I feel eternally thankful to her! She can never know how she truly helped save my life.

2:55 PM- The turn out is light- perhaps 15 of us. A lady with
silver-blonde hair stands next to me and says, "I am EMBARRASSED!...
Only 15 people showed up..." Somebody else offered encouragingly,
"Perhaps the others are coming..."
"WELL, they'd better hurry up!" She glances with annoyance at her
watch and hustles to the front of the room.
I'm seated in the last row. Next to me is a tall dark-haired gal.
Her legs are crossed just like the tourists' were earlier, and her foot shakes nervously in the very same fashion.....I say HI, but nothing more. My greeting is returned. We sit in silence.
There's a few late arrivals......

3:00 PM- I can't help but notice that the average age of my fellow
family members is....OLD. The dark-haired gal to my immediate left is younger, and so are the 2 FTMs, who sit together.
There's 30 of us here now....A few of the late arrivals are quite
terrific looking! I am completely jealous!

3:10 PM- Brenda Carlson, a local psychologist, introduces Dr Kirk.
Ms Carlson is recently post-operative. Her surgery was performed by Dr Kirk, who is also a transsexual. Kirk is a large woman in her late 50s, perhaps. She has an unmistakably male voice.

3:15 PM- My friend Toni has arrived...and Tiffany! We sit
together....
Our numbers swell; the room is nearly full now.

3:20 PM- Kirk talks credentials, personal history and
accomplishments. A SURPRISE! She throws open the floor for questions after speaking barely 15 minutes. Most of the inquiries relate to various genital procedures- one doctor's technique vs. another's.....My mind wanders.

4:10 PM- We've FINALLY gotten around to the BIG question...orgasmic ability post-surgery....
Dr Kirk offers many reasons why a woman may NEVER have orgasms. Even among genetic females, 35% report never experiencing this pleasure.
She makes absolutely NO PROMISES that any of us will be orgasmic post-op. "Although the POTENTIAL is there, orgasm is NEVER guaranteeable." Its your typical "Surgeon's Disclaimer", with which I am sadly ALL too familiar........(facial surgery disaster-- don't ask!)

4:50 PM- We've fallen into theoretical discussion: Why a TS who
takes massive amounts of estrogen generally DOESN'T develop breast cancer, but women who naturally produce much smaller amounts of the hormone DO... This, along with my afternoon dose of spironolactone, is putting me to sleep!

5:00 PM- The possibility of TS organ transplants; this was one of my CONSTANT fantasies when younger. Only the FTM transplant seems viable at present. Supposedly, the transplanted organ would function normally in EVERY way! AMAZING!!!
I'd be glad to donate mine (it's LOW-MILEAGE!) if I could get a
discount on the vaginal reconstruction.

7:00 PM- We reconvene, after an extended dinner break. One-third of the original crowd is absent.
Brenda Carlson, the TS therapist who opened this event is giving a
TERRIFIC speech on the life complications (or LACK of same)
following GRS. Ms Carlson begins by pointing out that in the past
she was a preacher. The speech she delivers has the same emotional tenor as that of a passionate minister. This is a pleasant change from Dr Kirk's two-hour infomercial for her facilities' services....

7:30 PM- Ms Carlson reminisces about her surgical procedure. She is a most excellent speech giver and this has been an absolute highlight of the day for me. I sit transfixed by her words and her heartfelt delivery. BRAVA!
She talks about feeling like a DECEIVER in the past. The message
strikes me a hammerblow to the heart. This is EXACTLY how I've
always felt about ME-- that I am deceiving myself, my friends and
the world in general. Today I sit here in men's clothing. My deception continues apace.....

7:45 PM- My gears are turning... Others in the room, some quite
unpassable, talk openly about their transitions and the fact that
there have been few complications in their lives in SPITE of their
present physical appearance.
I gather hope from their testimonials. There are many things that I
will take from this meeting and consider for some time. I am among some VERY brave ladies, and I feel like a complete COWARD!

8:00 PM- Dr Kirk speaks again. She talks about having delivered
8,000 babies during her years in obstetrics. I wish to God that
one of those children had been laid on MY stomach.... More questions and answers....At one point, I look down at Tiffany's crossed legs...her foot twitches nervously!

During our dinner break at 5 PM, I met a gal named Kendra who was in such desperate straits that she AMPUTATED her own penis with a box cutter. Now, she has NO genitalia at all-- like a Barbie doll, and hasn't the money to proceed further. There are SO MANY terrible and tragic stories out there!

At one point during the Q & A, Kendra asks to read something she
wrote. It's on 3-ring paper that she carries in a fanny pack. The
two sheets are tattered and faded, and she has difficulty deciphering her own handwriting-- she's sitting next to me; that's how I can tell.

Kendra reads a personal account of anguish at the hands of the
medical establishment, and there's an intimation of her self-
mutilation as a result. Dr Kirk is non-plussed, and tries to dismiss this personal confession out-of-hand. The two get into an argument and Kendra storms out of the room. She returns perhaps 15 minutes later; I think she's been crying. I ask, "Are you alright?" She shakes her head NO and sits forlornly. A few minutes later, Kendra gets up quietly and leaves the room for the last time. Somehow, I feel relieved. I mean, she was capable of
cutting off a part of her body with her own hand-- who knows what
else this girl might do in a crazy moment?

9:00 PM- Discussion of various hormonal regimens.

9:30 PM- One post-op talks sadly of troubles with dilation
bleeding-- a recurring problem for the last two-and-one-half years! Her surgeon was Montreal's Dr Menard. Why am I NOT surprised? The girl asks Dr Kirk should she return to Menard for surgical revision, and Kirk says ......YES!!! I've heard ENOUGH from this doctor! Can't wait for this to end....

10:00 PM- The conference concludes. I'm sitting again on one of the lobby couches chatting with three ladies from the meeting. They all live in my area, and encourage me to attend their support groups.
Really NICE people. We exchange information.
One asks me casually if I ever "dress", and I answer her honestly.
"NO, but I did in the past. It's not my issue and I'm still doing
the "guy" thing in public for now..."

THAT WAS IT! Nothing more of what I really expected would be a
complete NIGHTMARE for me. I spent HOURS with my sisters, and felt COMPLETELY at ease and accepted. My fears were for NOTHING!

As I sat on that couch with my legs tightly crossed, I noticed that
my right foot was twitching nervously...Where had I seen that
before?

Ann Marie Stuart
4-25-99