Welcome to Miss Laura's TransTerrific Advice Column
Cross Dressing Husband
column is now open to all Transgendered Subjects
Hi. I need advice
and insight. My husband has the sexual desire to dress like a woman
and doesn't understand why i am not sexually turned on by it. I
have tried to understand and it has caused many problems - me being
physically abused, etc. He says now he will quit, but i don't know
if that's possible - and i didn't know this was a desire prior to
getting married - i stumbled upon it. please give me some information
to help me, b/c i feel like i am crazy and i am going nuts....
Your husband appears to at least be a Crossdresser
at this stage on the Transgendered Spectrum.. The thing to realize
is that this is not his fault or yours. Often this is something that
is present at birth not because of something you have done. The problem
of course is the secretive nature of the phenomenon.
Many Crossdressers live in a constant state of the fear of being discovered
and ridiculed. This means that they rarely confide in anyone, which
is sometimes an unbearable burden for them. Often they don't know
why they do it.
If he has the desire to BE a woman, this of course is higher on the
spectrum and needs more immeadiate attention, and perhaps treatment
from a gender professional.
In any event his Physical (or even verbal) Abuse is not acceptable
in any way. You may present him with a choice to either get help in
private or let the courts do it for him. Above all keep yourself safe
even if that means a trial separation.
Its also possible that his hormone levels may be off which is something
that can happen to men over the age of 40. Changing hormone levels
can cause a profound impact on the brain and behaviors. So first:
1) He should get a physical exam to rule out Hormone deficiencies
or anything else.
2) He should see a Psychiatrist to rule
out mental problems such as Depression, Bi-polar Disorder,
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
and other mental ailments.
3) He needs to see a gender counselor to at least accept what is happening
4) If the first three steps don't bring him some relief then he needs
counseling for his behavior or marraige counseling for the two of
5) He should check out transgender sites (not sex sites) for information
and to discover he is not alone. What can you do:
If you don't wish to be a part of his cross-dressing that's OK. Just
recognize that he may need to have some private time to himself.
Reassure him. If you love him tell him so.
Realize that you have to give him a little leeway. Dictating that
he has to stop will only cause problems for him and you. Besides almost
all that purge and swear to stay straight end up going back to it
at some point usually worse than before.
Read all you can on Crossdressing and Transgenderism in order to understand
it. There are several chat rooms and groups for the Significant Others
of Transfolk. Realize that you are not alone.
Get Professional help yourself. You need to talk to someone.
If he is just a crossdresser you have an excellent chance of saving
your marraige through compromise and understanding. If he is higher
on the spectrum it will be much harder but it can and does work for
You are not crazy and you or not nuts. This doesn't mean though that
he is. Realize that His pain is real too. No one asks or chooses to
be this way.
Laura is not a Mental Health Professional. Advice is given from years
of experience as a Transsexual. If you have a problem with gender
or other mental health issues you should see a Gender or Mental Health